happier

Breathe. Everything will be fine.

Those words kept repeating themselves frequently over and over in her head. In a soft, loving, patient, serene tone, full of understanding and affirmation. A voice that wasn't hers, or the demons that lived in her head; it was a memory, like a memorized line, a mantra.

Her voice.

The voice of an angel; her guardian angel, the one who took her hands while repeating those words, the one who dried her stubborn tears that continued to flow despite wanting to stop them, the one who continued to see her with so much love despite the shitty and terrifying state in which was.

The one from which the words I don't love you anymore had come out a month ago. That same angel with blue eyes like the ocean, golden hair like the rays of the sun, rosy cheeks, strawberry lips and a charming smile. The same one who used to help her support her dark weight and the same one that wasn't there anymore.

Her hands were on her chest instinctively, her breath was ragged and her lungs ached every time she took a desperate drag for air. She had no idea how long she had like this but it has been a very long night. She had struggled with insomnia for a few hours before falling asleep, she was aware that maybe it was only a few minutes since it had passed before she was brutally beaten by a dream, which given the reaction she could call it a nightmare, but she just didn't dare.

She remembers waking up sobbing and gasping for air. She was exhausted and yet her body was hungry enough to bring her to a breakdown. She hated not being able to breathe properly, it made her want to smash her head against the wall. Hated every moment, the independent tears and the dependent breathing.

That voice fought hard against the others who yelled at her that she was never going to calm down. Even though the angel's was soft, compared to the others, it was the only one that she could and wanted to listen to.

She dragged herself to the balcony and breathed in the frozen air that made her skin crawl at the touch. The air circulated and her breathing began to return to normal, leaving her almost without strength. Her body weighed too much and her exhaustion overcame her without giving her any more options.

♤

"What the hell?!" exclaimed a voice that woke her up suddenly, scaring her.

She sat up quickly and tried to open her eyes but the daylight forced her to close them tightly. She was somewhat disoriented but she recognized the voice instantly:

"Lils? It's you?" she asked with both hands covering her face.

"Yeah..." Lily replied in a calmer tone, relieved, actually.

She wasn't seeing but she felt Lily move closer, placing herself at her level. Lily's warm, soft palm rested delicately on her knee:

"What are you doing here?"

"I've been calling you all day... I came looking for you because you weren't answering, I looked for you all over the fucking house and I couldn't find you... God, I was so worried."

She could actually hear the concern in Lily's tone of voice though it was serene now. She still didn't see Lily but she imagined those big brown eyes with that shine that her tears give when she's worried, her bushy eyebrows slanted down in a sad gesture. She could even feel the sadness that Lily wore, she herself felt it abundantly.