Unconditionally

4

18th August 2014

10.50am

Dear Gary,

It's been two days since you just disappeared with no explanation whatsoever. Throughout the whole time you've been gone I've been worrying so much. What if you're seriously ill or you've been kidnapped by people who want ransom money which, by the way, I do not have.

I haven't been able to enjoy the past two days not knowing where you are or what's happened, I should be enjoying this holiday - we've only got ten days left before we go our separate ways and most probably never meet again.

The thought of never seeing or hearing from you again makes my heart begin to beat faster and I can feel myself start to sweat suddenly. I get a sudden pit of worry in my stomach and almost cry, like I'm going to have a panic attack which is so stupid because you're just some guy  that I met on a stupid holiday that I didn't want to go to in the first place but my friends forced me to.

You know what I hate? The fact that we'll never date or be anything and you'll just forget about me as soon as you step onto the flight that will take you home. But you know what I hate more? The fact that I won't forget you and the most we'll be is facebook friends, you know one of those people who you're friends with on facebook that you've only ever seen once or twice but they have 30 mutual friends and so you accepted.

I just feel so frustrated about the fact that I waste all my time thinking about you and imagining what it would be like to be held in your arms and to kiss you, and what it would be like to hold your hand as we sat on a beach somewhere and watched the sunset.

I just don't know what to do when I realise none of that will ever happen because I'll only ever be remembered as that girl you met on a holiday you went on with your friends when you were twenty who you went on one or two dates with.

I don't know what to do. Scream? Rip every strand of hair out of my body? Play music so loudly it bursts my eardrums so I'll never hear anything ever again? Dance? What? What should I do? Why can't someone tell me how to deal with this?

It's so frustrating. It's not some stupid little crush on this cute guy, it's a full blown 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' feeling that I have on this amazing guy who's so out of my league.

I never wanted to marry or have kids, my plan was to become independent in life, get a few cats, maybe adopt a child who I would raise as my own. Love was never supposed to come into the equation.

I was happy with the idea of giving all my love to animals, no men involved. Men meant trouble, I'd read enough to know that men and love lead to danger, lead to wasting everything you'd ever worked hard for on a guy who most probably didn't feel the same way. Because, and let's be honest here, love is the best and worst thing to happen to someone, depends on what type of person you are.

And honestly? I'm the type of person who either really likes someone or has no interest in them whatsoever. And unfortunately for me, I really like someone. And that someone is you. Which honestly sucks ass.

None of this was part of my plan, part of my life plan. University, apartment, job, get cats, maybe marry to someone who I could tolerate and who was like my best friend, maybe adopt, retire and become a zoo keeper.

Anyway... this was a short letter (not like you care, you'll never read them), but Clara wants me to go with her to the pool.

Remember, even though I don't want to and wish I couldn't, I love you - unconditionally.

Love,

Audrey xoxox

10.50pm

Dear Gary (again),

You're back. I don't know when but while I was at the pool with Clara you returned but you didn't seem yourself.

You had huge circles under your eyes and your right arm was covered in pin pricks, especially around your inner elbow.

When I went up to talk to you, you couldn't seem to focus on anything, your eyes were always wandering as though you were trying to find something to focus on. You looked pale and clammy too, like you were going to puke.

When I asked where you'd been you said that you'd met up with some friends that were also here on holiday, but they were staying in another resort. And then when I asked if you had fun you said that it was great but it didn't look like it to me.

To me, it looked like you were on drugs. I knew you would have a secret, everyone does but I didn't know it was drugs. I mean it has to be right? The dazed eyes, sweating, pin pricks in your arm. It all makes sense now.

I can't I've been so fucking stupid as to fall in love with someone with a drug problem. I can't believe you. You were supposed to be perfect, the one that I could love forever but no. Not know I know that your only love is drugs.

I just, ugh. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do about you.

Do I ignore you? Act like you don't exist? Act like my heart doesn't race whenever I see you and act like the butterflies in my stomach all take off at once whenever I see your eyes light up as you smile.

I just don't know what to do.

I just wish there was someone who understood. Someone who  could help me sort this out, someone who had been through the same thing.

But there's no one.

Because anyone I tell about how I feel just laughs and says that whatever it is I feel about you is just a silly little crush but I know it's not.

I know it's so much more.

I just wish someone could tell me what to do, tell me how to make it stop.

I just can't be bothered anymore. Can't be bothered to deal with whatever it is we have.

Maybe I don't always love you unconditionally, but remember that I do love you. But I hope that one day I won't anymore, hope that one day whastever this feeling is will go away.

Love,

Audrey xoxox

=+=

hey sorry its been like 2 weeks its just i dreamt that i uploaded this chapter and so i thought id uploaded it like a week ago but nope turns out i didnt.

hope you like

-A xx