[choen reunion]

Edits

9:30am 

“Someone’s up earlier than usual.” Baron says, walking into the kitchen. I was sitting at the counter absorbed in my phone. I say nothing. “With a coffee too? Wow, very unlike you Huddy." He says sarcastically. "Whatcha doing over there?”  I look up at Baron and chuckle, “I randomly woke up today at like 4am and couldn't go back to sleep so I decided, ‘why not scroll through my tagged on IG?’ show my fans some love ya know?” I take a sip of my coffee, it was almost gone. “Oh yeah, that's cool, what’s up with the coffee though? I thought you said coffee made you anxious.” Baron says, beginning to make his own coffee. “It normally does make me anxious, but I have a meeting today with some pretty big producers that could really help boost my music career and I’d rather not fall asleep during it, and with my new anxiety meds, I think I'll be okay.” Baron nods at me and points upstairs, coffee in hand.  “Okay well i'ma head back up to my room, talk to you later.” “Alright'' I say, going back to my phone.

I scroll for a while, liking and interacting with my fans, ignoring the random stuff I was tagged in (wierd shit) until I stumble upon a Choen edit. Normally I would ignore those too, but the edit has a good looking cover photo and looks promising so I watch this one. The edit is to a song called ‘Heather’ by Conan Gray, a song about a boy who has a crush on another boy, but the boy he has a crush on likes another girl, and he’s heartbroken because of it. With the context of the song, as expected, the edit begines with clips of Noen and I from 2019, of us laughing and smiling together with the lyrics “I still remember, the third of December, me in your sweater, you said it looked better, on me than it did you, only if you knew, how much i liked you,” I cringe a little. Seeing ship edits of me and old friends always lowkey wierds me out to be honest. A clip from one of Noen’s old livestreams play, “Are Chase and I dating?” Noen says, “Ha, no, I talk to him all the time about it but he doesn’t swing that way.” Noen sighs softly. He looked sad. "Wierd." I think to myself. The edit gets to the part of the song where it goes, “But I watch your eyes as she walks by, what a sight for sore eyes, brighter than a blue sky, she’s got you mesmerized,” showing clips of Charli and I, laughing and smiling together. While this part of the song plays, an old voiceover from one of Noen’s lives plays on top of it, where you hear him talking about how cool he thought I was and how he wished we were still friends. I smiled at this, it was cute, I won't lie. The song continues, “She’s got you mesmerized, while I die.”, clips of Noen in tears appear, “Why would you ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty,” voiceovers of Noen from what looks like more recent lives start playing, talking about how he hates Choen, how he hated our friendship, and that he hated everyone who supports Choen. Shocked, I abrubtly scroll away from the edit.

I had never seen these clips before, I knew that I wasn’t friends with Noen anymore, but I never hated or regretted our friendship, this hurt, and a lot more than I thought it should. Tears start to swell up in my eyes, I try to force them down but fail, “What did I do?” I whisper to myself. I rewatch the edit, this time paying more attention to the first live clip, where Noen said that he talked to me about us actually dating all the time, which was true. “Oh my god,” I set my phone down, “Noen had a crush on me!” Memories of our friendship come flooding through my mind, all the times Noen tried to get us alone, all the hugs Noen made a little longer, all the compliments Noen would constantly shower me with. “How did I not notice it?” I say to myself.“If Noen had just told me exactly what he was feeling we could still be friends today.” 

I wanted to be friends with Noen again, the truth was that I actually missed Noen. Baron and the others were cool and all, but none of them were like Noen. With Noen, I know I can be myself, my full self, I never had to hide any part of me because I knew Noen would love me just the same. I can’t really say that about the others, I get called "sus" for practially everything, which was okay until my “friends” started calling me sus for simply wanting to hug them. Which I hate because my love language is literally touch and I want nothing more than to show my friends how much I love them, I want to hug them and cuddle with them and kiss the homies goodnight, but I cant or else they'll think I'm tryna be gay with them. Ugh. At this point, I barely have any room to express myself without judgement. I hate it here. I miss Noen so much. I miss Noen’s gentle touch, his reassuring hugs, his nervous voice, his awkward smile, the soft hair that I always had to move out of his eyes, oh man he had gorgeous eyes. I ached for it all. A deep sense of sadness overwhelms me. I've never missed someone so much before, this like, physically hurt. The only thing I regret was letting Noen go. I was so focussed on the Hype House and Charli that I totally left Noen in the dirt. No wonder he hates Choen. I probably broke his heart. I hesitantly go to Noen’s IG dms, maybe I can talk him into being my friend again. I pause. But what if he hate ME? I don't want to make a complete fool out of myself so before I decide to attempt small talk with someone who might despise me, hands shaking, I type out a message and hit send.

LILHUDDY: do u hate me?