just broken and lost

fuck you for fucking me up

it's pretty sad when everyone has to rant to someone ab you.. ik i'm too much. i try to act heartless and like shit doesn't bother me and like i don't care but it hurts a lot. and i've cried myself to sleep more times than i could count. i'm not good enough for this world but maybe in another life i won't be so fucked up.

i'm not good enough and i never will be. i'm not skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, healthy enough, or happy enough. i'm a fucking failure at everything i do theirs always someone who's better than me that you will always prefer bc i'm not gonna be the best for you. i'm fat, and ugly and i'm not good enough i will never been good enough. their will always be someone that you would prefer to have or do things w bc they arnt fat or ugly and they will make you want them more or turn you on more and you'll want to fuck them more theirs always someone better than me bc i'm not shit. ik you probably wish you could be with someone else or fuck someone else bc i get it i'm not good enough. and i'm sorry. i wish i could be what you want but ik i'm not and i never will be.

i can't explain myself bc theirs so much in here i always hurt someone or fuck something up so i can't express what's in my head bc it's not good and that's all i get from it

i don't mean to be the way i am and i can't help it. i don't mean to snap at people over nothing i don't want my emotions to be all over the place and i can't control it. and then when ppl act like i mean to do it,it hurts. bc i know it's a me problem and i need to fix it but i can't j can't help but snap over little things and i can't help but always feel like things are too much. i always feel overwhelmed by anger and sadness and it hurts the people around me when i lash out for no reason but i don't mean too.it just happens bc it feels like anger and sadness are overflowing out of me and i can't help but spew out a little and i can't fucking help it. it drives me fucking insane i want to be able to control my mood swings and how i feel and i want to be happy but it doesn't work i just keep doing it not even meaning to. and what makes it worse is i'm already trying to not lash out on ppl and to be able to control it but ppl act like i mean to do it and like i just want to be mean or have an attitude for no reason but i'm trying..i promise i'm trying to be better at holding in my emotions. if i keep hurting ppl around me bc of this i'm gonna end it one way or another i never meant to lash out,or have an attitude. i am sorry.

part of me thinks it's all in my head i think i'm fucking crazy i should be able to not be the way i am i should be able to keep from being mad all the time and from being fucking sad all the time. i have thoughts of ripping down my arms carving a blade deep into my wrists and watching myself bleed out as the overwhelming feelings of anxiety,depression,and anger all flow out of me. it seems peaceful. when i would used to cut i would imagine all of those negative words and negative feelings flowing out of me and it made me feel better. for a second at least. but it was something to distract myself from everything else that i was feeling. i imagine death a lot it seems so peaceful to just let go of everything and not have to feel pain anymore. and to not constantly have to choke back tears

go ahead and break my heart again
am i the definition of insanity. you need other females in ur life okay. i get it i wouldn't want just me either. i'm a lot and i'm insane. i told you i love you more. everything that you were worried that i was doing you do. so whatever i don't even know what to say anymore. it fucking hurts. nothing ever changes we've had the mutual respect talk several times and it never seems to truly sink in so what does it take? do i need to start treating you like you treat me or do i need to leave for you to finally believe me or do we need a break i don't fucking know ur putting me in a position that i don't fucking know what to do anymore all it is, is just broken promises and useless talks.

i feel like i'm either dead and emotionless i want to care but i can't i literally have no emotions and don't give a fuck about anything and i don't like to be around ppl when i'm like that bc i don't want to hurt them but i just feel cold