"Fat thighs, dead eyes; fake smile, suicide."
Those words never left my head;
would I never escape?
My grades were dropping as low as my self-esteem.
I didn't think it could get any worse but it did.
Slowly all my 'friends' left, dragging me deeper into despair.
Being alone in a crowded room became my life,
So I started staying home. Alone in my room. Blades galore.
Soon the blood started flowing, I'd run out of tears.
Day after day, night after night. No improvement insight.
Hope? Any I had left was slipping away.
I had become a numb mess; a mess no one could love.
Death came nearer by the day, I started saving pills and collecting blades.
At school they told me "slit your wrists, kill yourslef'
Don't they know I'm trying.
One day I would never awake again.
I wrote my lasts words in a box,
one for each of the people I had hung on for.
The tears clouded my eyes when it came to my sister's.
I swore she hated me, but I loved her.
I needed
to
protect
her.
How could I do that if I was dead?
Maybe, one day she will love me?
So many unanswered questions...
Music filled the air, my sister's music, turned up loud.
It was By your side by Tenth Avenue North.
"Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
'Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life"
I want to give you life...
That was my hope. My new hope.
I realised I didn't want to die, I wanted the pain to end.
He could end the pain. Jesus.
