Moving On?

Chapter 24: You'd Think This Place Would Sink: Alex's POV:

When I get up the house is quiet. All but for quiet chattering and sobbing coming from the kitchen.
Clarice is at school but Mum, Andrea and Theodore are in the kitchen, sitting at the table.
Crying.

With all the crying you would think this place would sink!

Annie? Alex? You are so gay.

But something isn't right this morning there's more fear. Where it wasn't before. I can feel it in my bones and my stomach.

Mum looks up an sees me. And it's like she wishes I would just go back to bed.
"Mon Chèri." She hugs me.
"What's going on?" No bullshit. I want to know.

Mum opens her mouth to speak but Andrea says "stop!"
"Why?" Mum says and I'm wondering the same thing.

"Look if something happened to Tate I want to know!" I yell at them before I can catch myself.

Andrea ignores me but says to mum.
"The bathroom. He's stress response." She says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
Mum realises what she is saying.

Oh yeah duh.

Mum grabs my hand tightly and we go through her bedroom it's dark and I can't see for a moment but suddenly we are in her ensuite bathroom.

"Whatever it is. You have to tell me." I press her grabbing her hands tightly.
"You'll resent me for telling you." She looks at me dead on.
"I'll resent you if you don't." She pulls the toilet seat up and if I weren't so stressed it would have been comedic.

"Okay.." she hesitates.
"Mum!"
"When the doctors did their full physical assessment on Tate they found evidence of sexual assault."

I don't think I've heard her properly.
"WHAT?!"
She nods.
Stress response. Mum just rubs my back and for a bit I don't think I'd be able to stop vomiting. It just keeps coming and I'm crying coz I can't stop.
"Shh shh.." mum continues patting my back.

When I finally stop. I have to sit on the floor. I'm dizzy and standing up was not a good idea.
"Who?" Is all I can manage.
Mums face turns sour.
"Hunter." She says.
"WHAT?! He's not gay?"
"Hate crime." She's crying and I feel awful.

A million things race into my head at once.
Tate was robbed of his first time. It had to have been his first time. And I'm struck by how scared he would have been.. how hurt.
I can hear him calling for help. I can hear him calling my name like he did at the psych ward.
"Don't leave! I need you!"

And I'm sobbing and screaming in pain like he had. In a ball on the floor with mum holding me. And gently rocking me.
She sings me a French lullaby from when I was a kid. I think it's Clair De Lune. But I can't be sure.

Suddenly she's picking me up from the floor and carrying me to her bed. She pulls the duvet over me and sits with me. Stroking my face.
"I love you mum." I manage a small hoarse whisper.
"Shh shh.. I love you too mon chèri."
She rubs her thumb up and down to my nose until I give in and close my eyes.
Soon I pass out.

"How did the hospital miss that?"
I'm still lying in mum's bed but I can hear Clarice and Mum. Talking and crying. Talking and crying.

"I guess they don't look for that? I don't know though it's pretty bad to miss."
"How's Alex?"
"Not good C, as you can imagine."
For a minute there's nothing. And then.
"Tate was a virgin." Clarice says. "That means that monster robbed him of  his first time.. a first time that could have been with Alex."
She's crying, mum's crying and now I'm crying.

"As uncomfortable as I am talking about my children's sex lives.. I get it I do. I can't imagine that being taken away from you."

"Virginity is a social construct, mum."

"That doesn't make it better."

I get up from mum's bed and my stomach grumbles so loud that I think the whole world will hear it. I have to eat.

I go to the kitchen.
"How are you feeling Al?" Clarice asks me.
Her green eyes studying my face. She looks as shit as I feel.
"Shit C, real shit. How are you?"
"Shit too Al, real shit too."
She hugs me from behind as I make myself a sandwich.

"When can I see him?" I turn to mum. Her face tightens and I know what she is going to say, but I let her.
"The hospital don't think it's a good idea yet, because of what happened when you tried to leave last time." It hurts but I get it. But I want to know when.
"When then?"
"When they see progress in him. When they can see that he is actively working with them and wanting to be there."
"So you don't have an answer."
"No Alex, sorry."
"Are they letting anyone else see him?"
"Not yet. They only just got out of him what happened with Hunter. Give it time Al.. give it time."
She hesitates but says.
"There's nothing you can do right now. Maybe you should go back to New York and start working with Hayley on her album."
"I can't leave mum."
"But there's nothing you can do. It might be a long time before they let you see him. You should get back to your life."
"My life is here!! My life is him!!" The anger surges through me.
Mum look angry now too. And Clarice looses her shit.

"Fucking hell Alex, you act like you didn't just pull your head out of your ass a few months ago and only just notice him. Because up until then you would have said the same thing about Daniel and look what he has done to my best friend! You talk a lot of fucking talk but we don't need or want you here! This is all your fault! Poor sweet Tate is a victim to you're obliviousness. Fuck you Alex! Fuck you!"

"CLARICE!! Room Now!!" Mum yells her and she just runs off crying.
"Alex stay.." she says as I try and leave.

"She's right. I have to go. Get on with my life. Move on." I say looking down at the linoleum kitchen floor.

"She's just angry Alex, you can stay here if you need to. I love having you here. I just thought getting back to your life in New York might help."

"What life mum? Apparently I'm just going through the Winters brothers and trying to make them my life because I have nothing else!"

"Alex don't say that! You have your music, and a chance to write on an album! And eventually you'll have Tate."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be the one falling a part. I have to stay strong for Tate, for Clarice."
I say and I don't give her a chance to respond before I add. "I'll be gone by morning. Call me when I can see him."