Live Through Me

Right Beside You.

"Promise me you'd always be with me!" Lisa said urgently. I could not manage to speak, reality numbed my brain. It still was difficult enough to wrap my head around her having leukemia. How would I carry-on without her.. My brain was busy fast forwarding into future that had the potential of sprawling darkness in my life.. Lisa was not only my best friend but also my person, my family, my everything. I was an orphan but I never considered myself one. I had Lisa and her father was just like my father. We were sufficient for each other. All the happy memories played in front of me. I was not ready to loose her.
"--Hello! Earth to madame Rosaline! Are you even listening?!"
"Ofcourse I won't... How could you even ask something so obvious.. Are you loosing braincells?" I try my best to sound normal but my voice gave away.. She smiled and hugged me singing my favorite

You're my Honeybunch Sugarplum
Pumpy-umpy-umpkin
You're my Sweetie Pie
You're my Cuppycake
Gumdrop Snoogums-Boogums - -

" enough, enough. "I smile through tears. She knows I love this song especially when she uses her baby talk voice.. I hug her tight back before leaving. She would undergo chemo next and whatever the heck we'd be in everything together.
__

" Rose, Rose my heads hurting... It's hurting so bad. What should I do??"
Chemo was bad, worse than her disease. She looked at me with so much hope as if I'd takeaway her pain. I so wished I could, if it were even the slightest of possibility I would have taken it upon myself but all I could do was hug her and promise a better tomorrow. She would not even be in state to hug me back for she'd run off to vomit every ten minutes. It was a torture to watch her go through all this.
Everyday around 5 pm her father used to come at hospital and stay till night. I was not allowed outside after 8 pm... I hated leaving Lisa.
At times when she used to feel better her father and I would act stupid and play pranks on each other that would leave Lisa laughing or should I say wheezing in between her laughter.... We loved to see her smile it would make our day. Her father was an absolute loving human, it broke my heart to see him in such a pity full state.
When he used to be at work, Lisa and I used to gossip about school cases. I used to come as quickly as humanely possible after finishing my school. She used to be alone. Her father was not able to take leave every other day but still managed to grab enough leaves. I on the other hand went 4 days to school and took two days off every weekend.
Somehow it was working by the end of her cycle she gained a bit strength or maybe it was her willpower to leave hospital ASAP.
I hated to see her crying while clutching beautiful strands of her now falling hair... I was unsuccessful in convincing her to shave. She absolutely detested the mere idea.. I had to do something so instead I shaved. She cried like a river to see me without hair..
"Now come on I ain't that ugly girl.. Stop cryyiiiingggggg! "
She hugged me in the tightest of hugs basically she was trying to suffocate me which didn't work her hands were too frail and I was worried about her loosing strength in giving me such tight hugs on daily basis.
She went to bathroom and grabbed her father's trimmer.
Her beautiful locks of hair were on floor and she was still gorgeous on the other hand I looked like an egg! I pointed that to her and she bursted laughing. I loved to see her laugh and I should have shaved my head way before would have saved her so much of tears and energy. I mentally slapped myself for the delay.
After her discharge from hospital she was tremendously happy and hopeful and I guess that helped her recovery.
We played chess a lot, I let her win instead of getting happy she would understand that I let her win and proclaim me winner and then be happy... Such is our friendship. She's not just a friend, she's my life!
Nighttime was worst I always feared to sleep. Waking one morning without Lisa being in this world was my biggest fear. I cherished every minute of my life with her. Days were going well, Lisa gained half a Kilo within a month after discharge and it was a literal cause for celebration!
We both read novels together and sang songs. Her father purchased a bigger television and we three saw many movies together with me and her father crying like babies while Lisa laughing at us and calling us names for crying.. Well she wasn't really the crying type only cried for her hairfall if I remember. She used to whine a lot when she was in hospital and her complaints were nonstop but crying I don't remember..
She's a strong woman, I feel blessed to have her in my life.
I knock the door which goes unanswered, knock, bell, knock... Still no response. Lisa's father was definitely at office and Lisa - -
I ask a stranger to help and he breaks open the door when I tell him all the situation.
I see Lisa on floor and my heart stopped beating altogether for a good few seconds.. I rush to see her unresponsive, shake her, well she's breathing that's all I wanted. The man behind me who broke open the door had called ambulance, I call her father who soon rushes to hospital we were about to take her to.
We wait for reports and Lisa to gain consciousness..
News came that we both dreaded to listen, to which we both turned a blind eye for so long. She was already in stage 4. We stayed there continuously for two days beside her without ever leaving her alone. She did not gain consciousness, we didn't get any answers for her unconsciousness from doctors. Her father got a call for the 6th time which he was about to cancel but I urged him to pick up. He does, listens to the instructions, nods his head with little awareness of Noone being able to see him. Hums in agreement and disconnects. I ask him to which no reply. I ask again while I see him rising from his chair. "They are threatening to take my job away if I don't attend this meeting , hell take my life away for all I care but give me my Lisa." He completely breaks down, to see a grown man now kneeling in front of you is absolutely unnerving. I try to make sense with him and ask him to attend meeting for Lisa's sake promising to stay by her side till he does not come back to which after much reluctance he obliges. I could see a tear escaping Lisa's eye from my side view, I mask my surprise and wait wait for her dad to leave.
**
"Lisa, Lisa! Are you awake?? Can you hear me??" I frantically ask while gently shaking her.... After about a minute she opens her eyes halfway, I feel ecstatic.
"Ro- sali - - ne" she speaks my name with efforts. I don't even remember her calling my complete name before.
"I'm here, always with you, right by your side Lisa. Tell me whatever you want."
"E--nd myyy pa--in."
I blink a couple times to make sure I heard that correctly.
"This is no way to say it Lisa! You've been so great, don't step back now!" I mouth through my sobs. She raises her hand to cup my cheek while wiping my tears.
"Why you?? Why you? It should have been me! Why you Lisa?! I can't loose you."
She smiles through tears and asks me something to write on. I quickly grab notebook and pen for her to write, hold it for her so that it becomes a bit easy for her to write.
"It's me instead of you because you deserve the world."
It pains as though something in you is breaking. I felt like all the air was pushed out of my lungs for the injustice.. I would have been glad to have leukemia if it were to spare Lisa.
" yes Lisa, you're right _ I deserve the world " I manage to speak though it's hard with the lump in my throat..
" and my world is you. " I finish to see fresh tears wetting her cheeks sliding around the mask which helped her breathe.
" Rose I want you to promise me something " I nod hard to which she continues writing
"You'll be my father's daughter promise me." I would have been high if this was asked in normal situation but now it was just a hurtful request which would mean her leaving for me to take her place. I have dreamed of joining her family since my brain started working but if that would mean her leaving me then I never want a father.. I was physically unable to stop producing tears...
I nodded not able to speak. She went on to write more
"Please do something for me" I nod again, she writes, "shut the ventilator, I beg of you Rose. END MY PAIN "
I felt all blood DRAINING off my system, my breath hitched somewhere in between. If it was possible I'd already proclaim myself dead... for I felt dead as if some invisible knife had been lodged in my heart.
"please Rose" she wrote again I had involuntarily taken a step away from her. What she was asking me was equivalent to murder. I'd kill myself before doing that. I quickly took pen and notebook from her, stuffed it in my bag.. shook my head so hard that got a bit of vertigo and called doctor. She tried stopping me by shaking her head when I called but too late doctors and nurses rushed in, were checking her vitals and asked me to leave.