mirrors [ a.g.b ]

walking on broken glass

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life is a fragile big gigantic mess. you either make it big in this world or you scratch your brains out dealing drugs on the road or slitting your wrists to solve your problems. there seems to be no in between, and you never know what could happen to you. some say that well, the unpredictability of being here is also the beauty. i on the other hand disagree. i dont want to wake up every single morning with the fear that my future will be on a box under the highway, or that after that day ill never be happy again. its crazy tear jerking. for me waking up each morning is the hardest thing known to mankind. being a paranoid schizophrenic, i guess you could say im the definition of insane. i cant even process how to properly sit still, the amount of things wrong with me. waking up is just a reminder that someone waking up under the same sky as me is smiling, yet im wishing i could just sleep forever and keep dreaming. dreams are another awful thing. they're just fragments of things you wish would happen but never will, and they just remind you that everything you ever wanted to be hasnt happened yet and probably never will. and the sun that wakes you up on weekends when you want to sleep in? oh thats the worst. the sun just makes the picture of how much fun every other 17 year old is having outside my house while i stay inside injecting myself with prescribed drugs to keep me calm, even clearer. as if i didnt already know that all of the high schoolers buying their prom dresses were having the time of their lives. its not fair, i wish i was a normal teenager. i want to drink and party and get high with boys, but thanks to my severe social anxiety i can barely step out if my bedroom. life is selfish, unfair and heartbreaking. nothing ever comes out how you want it to no matter how hard you try. its psychotic that one small problem can bloom into a life changing devastation in seconds. its insane that you can do something with an intent for the response from doing so to come out positive, yet it does the exact opposite. it crushes your soul and causes you too rethink everything you've ever done. i wanted to be the perfect student and i wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, but i ended up with a broken heart and a broken mind full of demonic spirits that wont let me release. im sorry mom and dad, that i went from your perfect girl to a hallucinating burden. i had no idea how fragile the heart and brain are. how close the line between death, and just breathing are. how you can go from being so happy and jumpy, to afraid of yourself. from always laughing to rocking back and fourth in the corners of your room when your supposed to be at prom night. you always tell yourself, oh never me. ill never be that girl, or ill never have to go through this, yet so many things can switch up what you thought would never happen. where you go from nights where you dream peacefully to nightmares about the demons in your head, until your completely sleepless. where you used to look in the mirror and be confident, but now all you see is a massive mess. looking in the mirror is the hardest. looking at all my features and comparing them to those of someone attractive gets me down to such lengths its hard to explain. i hate my weight, though im anorexic i wish i was smaller. i hate my smile and my face, i wish i was a bottle blonde with blue eyes. i hate myself, everything about me. everyone has a breakthrough at some point, but they arent always extreme. some say that whatever happens is just a phase. that you can just "get over it". let me personally tell you that telling someone to get over something that hurts them on a personal and physical deep down extent only makes things worse on both of your parts. ill never forget the night when i was crying on my cold white bathroom tile at 2:00am due to my appearance, and my dad told me to get over it. that was the first of the three times i had broken my bathroom mirror out of anger and frustration. i didnt know what real hatred for myself was until that night, laying there with cuts all up and down my body from laying in the glass all over. i broke it and kept the shards to hurt myself with them, but of course i was stripped of them when my family found out. that was the night all the insanity first filled my eyes. the sad part is no one realizes how hard ignoring things are until it happens to them. my breakthrough you could say, was inside of me. my mind was mentally crushed. im a malfunction. it started out as just insecurity but bloomed into something as insane as insanity itself. most people tell me that i am a psychotic teenager who just wanted attention. that may be true, like i said, i am insane. i dont know why my mind decided to act the way it did. you think i asked for this? no, i didnt ask to be screaming into my pillow cross eyed and petrified every night, but no one seems to understand me anymore. my family has warned me that if i break my mirror one more time they're sending me off, and theres not much i can do, i mean, i was driven to the deep ends of the earth, where only phantoms and pits of fire lay. what am i supposed to do, punch a pillow?