Closeted Pleasure

1- Into the Unknown

What's worse than having to leave everything behind for your parent and move somewhere where no one speaks or understands you're language? Nothing is worse than this.

Hi. I'm Victor Emmanuel Karkarov; I'm from the beautiful city Yekaterinburg in Russia. Yes, I'm Russian and I'm talking in English! Don't get confused! My story takes place 6 years ago when I first moved to New York City.

-6 years Ago- Monday~4th of September 2015

The bright light of the morning 6AM sun that burst from my window was the result of me waking up very early. It's not that I had school or anything but it always irritated me that I couldn't buy a normal curtain to at least attempt to wake up after the chickens and my mother.

But instead I'm stuck with a veil see through looking ass curtain that the only thing it's good at, is making my room look like the sun threw up in here.

I'm frustrated and I think hopping in the shower will calm me down. My honey blonde hair needed to be washed especially since they haven't been washed in a week along with my skinny body too.

Don't get me wrong, I like taking care of myself but when depression and panic attacks hits you hard, it won't be long before you forget that staying clean is a NECESSITY.

"Karks be quick! I have news" my mama shouted from downstairs. I shouted a "DA MAMA!"  Back and cleaned myself in less than 10 minutes, changed into some jeans and a flannel and went downstairs to greet my mother. My mother was sat down on the table smiling brightly. I haven't seen her smile like that since papa left. I remember the night like it was yesterday. The screams and cries coming from my mama's light and soothing voice begging my papa to not leave. He didn't listen and looked at me with hatred in his green/grayish eyes, raised his thick eyebrow and slammed the door leaving my mama on the floor crying whilst I was sitting at the creaky staircase with tears streaming down.

The reason he left was cruel and vague. He found someone better and he never believed that my mama was ever going to have a future, working as a published writer. I thought otherwise, so I stood by her side, encouraged her to keep going and here we are; 2015, and Inez Karkarov is the most famous published writer in Yekaterinburg. I never tried writing anything but I know I won't be good at it. My one true love is my guitar and my singing. I started singing and playing at the age of 5, after my papa left since he hated my music because it's not 'realistic enough'.

"Ah! Karks there you are" she greeted me as she looked up from her computer to face me. Her ocean eyes piercing my heart with butterflies and rainbows. She looked so happy and I didn't want to ruin it for her so I smiled back at her and sat down "Privet mama" I said with the most alive voice I could possibly pull off.

She looked back down at her computer and brown firewood Lord of the rings notebook 'You shall not pass' written on the hard cover. "So, mama" I started "what's the big news?" I said as I got up to make some coffee. She stood up and went up to me and raised my chin up to face her beautiful clean face, rosy cheeks, no makeup, just perfect like she always were.

She smiled at me "My job wants to send me abroad, and I have to take you with me" she said as her bright blinding smile started to fade. "I understand if you don't want to go...it will be really hard to adjust there" she finished as she looked away from me. I was shocked. I mean, move to a new country is very hard to do! Learn the language and make new friends which totally won't work out for me since I'm very introverted.

"Mama I-" I started "if you don't go, it means you're giving up on it over your son..." I looked down as I felt her hand raising my chin up again to her eye level where I could already tell that she's about to give me a piece of wise words, not sure if she's making them up as she goes or simply just stealing them from Google Quotes.

"My future is not just writing books and be famous Victor...my future is with you, because you are my inspiration Moya sladkaya detka (sweet baby)" she smiled her eyes slightly watery as she touched my rosy cheek. For the first time in weeks I smiled as I leaned in her touch with tears streaming down "I love you Mama" I said with a shaky voice, and saw how vulnerable I made her as she hugged me tight and we stayed there for minutes that felt like hours but still couldn't get enough of it. "I love you too baby" she finally said kissing my forehead whilst ruffling my wet hair as she slowly went to the wooden counter and served me my breakfast.

I sat down across from her eating my bacon and eggs thinking of all the ways I could tell her my secret or just confront her and ask her when are we leaving. I chose the second one since the first one will require lots of wise speeches that I just can't deal with at 7AM. "Mama?" I said calmly as she looked up at me. Her face wasn't bright anymore...it was serious and had that lost puppy expression that made me vulnerable in seconds. "When are we leaving exactly?" I asked as I stuffed myself with some bacon.

"Tomorrow night" she answered with the usual smile. I started shaking 'I have only a few hours to see my friends but at least I'll be 5,369 miles away from Sebastian. Whose Sebastian you may ask? My ex and secret lover that my mama had no idea I was dating or the fact that I'm gay. Yes, that my big secret. I'm just waiting for the right moment. Anyway.

Sebastian was nice at first, sweet, kind, cute, green eyes, short curly jet black hair, and tall with a nice body. But a few weeks later, he became an asshole! He started smoking and cursing, he would start making out with me in times that were very inappropriate like at the church or my place where my MOM was always around and lastly but worse, he became very bossy and toxic!

He wouldn't let me go out with my friends, always judged my clothing in every occasion 'too tight' 'you look like a straight up hoe' 'give me your phone' and so on and so on. He wanted my social media password to check with whom I'm talking and what I'm posting. This went on for months and months and I couldn't take it anymore so one night I stood up, slapped his face and said "I hate you, we're done". I watched as his eyes went dark and tried to stop me by grabbing my arm and growling that if I leave he would expose me of being gay but at that point I just couldn't! My love for him run out months ago so I just turned around and left, not looking behind me.

I'm scared to come out to her so I decided to wait a few weeks or months. I finished my breakfast, washed my dish and hugged my mama from behind "I'm coming with you, period." I said as my final decision, as she turned her head to face me, her short blonde hair blocking my view of her expression. I pushed them out of the way to finally see that her smile was back. "I'll be with you, until the end of the line mama" I smiled and kissed her head. She leaned in to my touch closing her eyes and held my hand "me too baby" she said, her voice breaking from the tears that took over her beautiful face.

I went in front of her and kneeled down. She looked at me confused on what I was trying to do. I wiped her tears and smiled "we're going to have a good life in New York mama; it's our chance to try something new, meet new people and have a life that we couldn't even dream off having it here. But I need you with me and forget about papa and his words! You're so much more than what he said and I need you to understand that! Promise?" I said as I looked at her in the eyes, now, bright as ever smiling hard. She kept looking at me, stroking my hair and holding my cheek "I'm so lucky to have you in my life Victor." she finally said and I smiled at her, "me too mama" I said as I stood up.

I have exactly 24 hours to see my friends before the flight and pray not to bump into Sebastian. My plan for today is to spend it with my best friend Bruno. This is not the last time I will see him since I'm probably going to come back on Christmas but then again, a lot can happen until then.

"I'm going over at Bruno's mama" I said as I took my phone and made my way to the door. "Okay have fun" I heard her say as I closed the door, got on my skateboard and made my way to his house.