Left

Harold

'I went around the world and back again to find happiness and all I saw was you'.

 "No!" Trying to write this letter was going to be harder than I thought. How can I say after all these years that I never lost someone I broke away from?

I've written and rewritten this letter around one hundred times and I still can't say how I truly feel, there must be a reason as to why.

To be completely honest, I am not even sure what I would say if I saw him face-to-face.

Just to think, I did more work to mess this up when all I had to do was stay.

Seeing my son's face when I left with suitcases in the middle of the floor with his mother crying on the floor. I never want to put anyone in that pain again. I felt like my father and that was something that made me feel so much shame it was overwhelming.

I always said I would be different than how my parents were to me, and somehow I became worst.

All I wanted when I was a kid was to be seen and to have known that we were going to be okay. My father chose drinking over me, what did I choose over my son?

Fear.

'I know I don't have the right, if you want me out of your life that is completely understandable. I just had to let you know how proud of you I am. You saw the dark and you chose light. I never should have made you seen that, I should have been there to protect you. I heard that  you are going to have a baby brother, I hope Zayden is a good dad. Baby Ben is going to have the best family and he doesn't even know it yet but he is the luckiest little boy in the world for you to be his brother.'

My hand started shaking as I was writing until I couldn't write anymore.

I have been punishing myself everyday since the day I left because I know that is what I deserve. 

I probably won't even mail this letter out, my entire house is covered in written letters filled with thoughts and tears trapping me.

One time I walked all the way out to mailbox before I turned back, just like I did on my son one hundred times he will never know about.

100 times I could have written to my only real family, 99 times I didn't even go to the mailbox, 98 times I ripped the letters to throw them out later just to leave them all over my house to find inspiration for the best thing to say. 

I need to stop feeling bad for myself, I am the one who did this. No one told me leave, the day we got married I promised under my breath that I would never leave no matter what.

How could I have just changed my mind?

After I left I felt very lost. I didn't know what to do with my life, so I started driving. Now, I drive a pick-up truck. The road helps me forget, makes me think that I will mail out the letters, someday see my family and give them a hug. 

It doesn't last long, but it's nice to feel peace again, even if it's only for a couple hours. 

Some days picking up the broken pieces is harder than when I made the problem in the first place. Some days all alone in a tiny house covered in broken papers and dark closed windows I feel like I've already died. Sometimes waking up is more harsh than the day I left, because the day I left a part of me almost turned around. A part of me thought I would go back and make everything right. Now that my baby boy is 17, that dream has long since been shattered.

It's been 97 days since his last birthday, I  wrote him 96 wishes. 95 prayers he will never hear, I would look for him for 94 years if that's what it takes to find him again.

I have seen my son 93 times since I left, I have never told anyone. I go to school events and make sure he is happy and healthy. I have never had the faith to talk to him. That would not be very considerate of him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him more. 

Is coming back worse than leaving in the first place?

I looked up to the heavens almost hoping they would tell me what to do, how to make this right, how to be okay.

My landlord will be here in a week and my house needs to be improved a lot before he can come. He comes to check on things every now and then as an inspection to see if my house if dog-friendly. I recently have really been wanting a friend, and what than a man's best friend. 

I start going through all the broken letters over all the years putting them all into a pile. The pile slowly grew more and more as every paper I let fall out of my hands.

I hadn't gone back and read the others after I wrote them. I looked at one to see what it had said and realized this letter was the one I was going to mail out to my son.

It had been a long and hard time getting here, but if there ever was a time, it would be now. 

He deserves to know that I never left because of him. That I have thought about him every day. He deserves to know that this is all my fault, I left for fear.

Coming back will be the hardest thing. I never should have left. I never should have gave up. When everything is too perfect, I get nervous because when I was a kid nothing was ever right. That does not give me a right to do this to my son, my angel who has always loved me when I couldn't look in the mirror without seeing a ghost.

I walked as slowly as I could to the door, and I grabbed my coat in a daze. I wanted to turn around more than anything but the fear of never seeing my son again drove me insane. 

Maybe in another life I won't run on fear. I won't let little things grow into monsters in my mind. I might be able to let things go and be calm. Possibly even happy without feeling like I don't deserve it.

I stand in front of the mailbox lost in a million thoughts, but not holding on to any. I drop the letter.

I start shaking, a warmth came over me.

In the letter is all the money I had laying around for college, rent, whatever he needs.

This is the 92nd letter, this is the one. I will never make up for what happened, I just want him to have peace.

As I walk home, I stop feeling bad for myself. I realize it's not about me, his life doesn't revolve around me. He has friends, a new family, new dreams. I know nothing about him now. The letter could have been perfect for 5 year old Sheridan, but what if he hates me now?

Would I hate my parents if they left?

Yes.

Not that they ever made a chance to be there in the first place, they always said if I ever slipped up too bad they would drive me to an orphanage and leave.

Yes, they did actually do it once. I didn't even do anything, it was a 'life lesson'.

I want to be better than my family was for me.