Peas of a (Nonexistent) Podcast

#1 07/08/21

Alright. I have a confession to make: I am scared of dying. I don't care if there are people who say, "Yeah, I am, too. Big deal." 

No wait, I do care. Sorry for acting tough (I'm not, for sure).

And I'm okay with those people because when I see comments like that, I not only feel a sense of shame, but also a selfish feeling of happiness at the fact that I'm not alone thinking about this.

I recently found out about optimistic nihilism. According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, a nihilist (a person who follows nihilism) disregards traditional values and morals under the assumption/conclusion (typically self-found) that life is meaningless. To be fair, with science teaching us that we are speck within a speck within a swirling ball of specks, and then we are within some bounded vacuum bag, a lot of people will come to think, "What is the point?" 

I don't blame people for thinking this way because we are living in an era where smart technology makes it convenient for people to post updates of the best moments of their lives, liars and corrupt middleman turn out to be the winners, and our planet is pretty much slowly but surely dying. And because many children are placed in an environment (society/school) where we must compare aspects of our life - knowledge, wealth, communication, etc. - we may grow competitive and even averse to competition. Either has its unhealthy dose of stress.

Also, college (in America) has destroyed my critical thinking skills (thanks grade-point-average, SATs, and other standardized tests).

I'm in no way 100% optimistic: years of American cram school in the form of Kumon and third-party tutoring centers has made me view learning as a chore and that underpaid, stressed teachers will doom generations of students. Meanwhile, my more grounded passions could only be found in video games, art, and music (which can be done pretty much alone). Of course, with age came greater difficulties in time- and project-management (thanks, college) and I realized at the (ripe, in American societal norms,) age of 21 that I'm unhappy and I've neglected what I truly liked. I could've found a middle-ground but there just wasn't enough time and I was really bad at expressing my problems.

And with that unhappiness came a new period of me refocusing and re-strategizing my brain process and priorities. I started listening to my heart and gut more than my head after recognizing that a lot of the critical voices in my head were other people's voices. And yeah, I started implementing boundaries on those people (especially parents). 

Please understand that I am in no way in control of my life right now, I am basically just cleaning house and trying to get through college broke and with a bad dose of impostor syndrome (impersonalized school systems still are the norm, after all).

I've just grown tired of being static and this is where I truly categorize myself as an optimistic nihilist. I do believe that life is meaningless in the sense that we all die in the end (dug). Also, I'm terrible at giving myself a break (my inner critic has grown so strong that it hates me). Despite these, I'm a shit-ton scared of dying because I'm afraid of losing my power to think, feel, and act. Hence, I decided to reinvent my mindset for the upcoming years: Sure, I probably won't get that dream of being an influential, super-smart person making money and the world a better place (yeah, I used to be a very determined idiot). But at least I want to keep making the steps reaching a better version of myself by the second, minute, and day. 

Obstacles be damned (by me). 

Honorable mentions

(The title in the above video may sound like it is bashing millennials. But Sinek only raises flags as to how society at large does not understanding millennials)