How's your day?

The questions I ask myself

It's 12 plus in the afternoon. I slept late because I can't sleep? Or maybe because I was driving myself nuts about something that was lingering in myself for the past few days after I ran into my 6th floor indian neighbor. He was telling me about how I am still holding on to something from the past. Until now that I still couldn't get pass or I was just searching for the answers. At around 2.30pm I went to meet my senior/ band mate Aiman for lunch and coffee. We talked alot about many things like how niq called him gay or why his life has been boring or the reason behind his change of perspective on others. Honestly, people understatement him alot because his this big ass boy who smokes, loves metal music and has abit of a kidesh personality in him. He keeps on telling me that people make fun of him because of many things. In summary, his actually a cool dude to be around. The best part he understood where I'm coming from my not so recent issues within myself. Just like the song "it's ok" by Mabel says exactly how I am feeling and doing right now. Lately I've been trying to find ways to fix something which isn't tangible. It was my anxiety, I think???? Well after today, I realized that no one really understands no matter how many times u say it in different ways. But oh well, what can I do I can't be mad at them for their assumptions or opinions. At least the best that came out of today was having a deep convo with the big boy, Aiman.

After this coming weekend, it's back to school. I'm in need for another holiday because I don't feel prepared at all. I mean come on I feel like I haven't been coming out of my shell in so long. Anyways, earlier in the afternoon Nick came by. He wanted to come over to check the film camera but instead it turn into me having a very bad migraine. It literally went from bad to worse. I tried taking a nice warm shower but didn't work. Massaging my head didn't work. Went to eat and drink some water didn't work. After all that I ended up laying down on the sofa and left Nick eating lunch on his own. Poor him, he had to help me with my ridiculous migraine. I ask him to help me get watermelon and other things. To be honest, I refuse to take panadol but I ended up taking it because I had no choice. I have vocal and piano lessons in the evening at the same time. I ask Nick if he could send me to my school to make sure I'm okie and didn't end up fainting. The whole ride with Nick was good, it didn't felt like how other couples would be when they become ex boyfriend and girlfriend. Nick and I had a special bond that no one but nenek could understand. We did so much together like fighting turns into love for each other. But as the months goes by there were many situations that was becoming toxic. And our fights wasn't as fun as it used to. It gotten so difficult due to many internal issues. I want to trust him with his problems but how long am I going to wait till it goes away. I felt off and didn't know what else do. However, now we're back to being friends you know like this lyric goes "just friends, lovers no more". I wouldn't put him as a friend, instead his my big brother because his always there for me and also his annoyingly cute. During my walk to the mrt after my piano lesson. I started to question again like "was it still the right choice to let Nick go?", "Is he my jodoh from Allah?" and "Why am I always making it so hard for myself?". After today, I feel okie but I can't say that I'm fully okie. It's ok, I will be okie I just need alot of time to myself right now to untie my complicated knots that I've held for so long. Insyallah after this stormy weather has passed by it will be worth to see the happy sun shining beside the fluffy blue clouds and a harmonious rainbow.

It's a Saturday, usually on my weekends I would be out at my vocal lessons, jazz rehearsal space at central and having my madrassah in the morning on a Sunday. Instead of doing those things I'm having fun being a volunteer as a makeup artist for the performers. Even though it's tiring, I'm having so much fun getting to work as a makeup artist. Getting to spend time with my lectures and my classmates. My job is just to apply moisturizer, primer, councillor, foundation and powder. To me, it's honestly more than just applying it's an art. My table mate ask me "how come I do so fast?", well my secret is no secret. It's basically the face shape, the skin type of the person and the techniques when applying on to the person. Some may take shorter time and some may take longer time to get the skin to look flawless. When attending to my client, I made sure that they are feeling comfortable and relaxed because we want them to recharge before heading out. Also another reason is so that they feel confident in and out. As supporters we must give the performers encouragement to push on till the end. Once the big day comes, everything will be worth it in the end as they worked so hard to make it happen. Earlier this morning, I met up with Puteri and my other class mates. During our walk to the location I talked to Puteri about my outing with Clar and how I felt nowadays. She knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't form the sentence I wanted to say. It was really hard for me, I kept pausing every single time when I'm in the middle trying to explain to her or anyone how I felt. I guess the reason why I'm like that is maybe because I'm scared of being judged or be a topic for someone's convo. Everytime when I'm like that I just feel like I failed to stand steel. This is the part where my mind starts to question. "Why can't I be like them?", "How come no one wants to talk to me?", "Am I to much for someone or is it just me?", "Why do I always feel lonely? And why can't I just not make this a matter?". When this happens I start to feel super down and look like I have not slept in so long. I wish I could tell my mom how I truly feel just like how I am typing down right now.