god. i want him. so much. i crave the sent of him. the way his hair feels. how he looks at me. like a drug. i want what i cant have.
I sit at the lunch table. Luke already sitting down across from me. Jayden sat next to him. Devon sits next to me. scooching closer. he looks at me and gives a smile. I smile back. Jayden starts the conversation by talking about how he got some new girl. I look around the cafeteria. the noise drounds out Jayden. Devon stays quiet. making eye contact with me then looking away.
"What's the matter with you" Luke blurts out. I focus back.
"nothing..?" I scoff.
"mhm. your not talking. you always talk"
"dude im fine. didnt know i cant go 5mins without talking." i roll my eyes. he smirks. Kayleigh walks up to our table. She fist bumps us and chuckles.
"yall gon be at the park later?" she asks. I nod.
"of course" Luke says. She smiles and walks off. Luke is gazed at her. "she is just so pretty huh?" he smiles, while mine fades.
"mhm" i mumble.
"shes ight bro" jayden laughs.
why. why is she so pretty. whats so good about her.
the bell rings. luke and devan go to class together. Jayden catches up with me. we walk to history.
"so hows you and devan?" Jayden asks.
"good." i quickly reply.
"just good?"
"yup." I sit down. he goes to his seat and the class starts.
*after school*
I walk to the car. My mom sat in the drivers seat. I get in next to her. Laying my head back on the seat.
"how was ur day." she asks
"fine" i say under my breath.
"just fine?"
"YES." i lash out.
shit. why am i so mean..
"sorry. just a bad day" i look at her.
"its always a bad day cj." she scoffs. as we drive home i turn on the radio. staring out the window. I get home and go in my room. throwing my back pack on my bed. my phone buzzes. its gray.
(gray has been my bestfriend since 5th grade. she is a year younger than me.)
"are you coming to the skatepark?"
"yea i'll be there in a min"
I throw my phone down on the bed. Slipping off my clothes.left in a bra and panties.
im to fat. i should slim down. stop eating. to chubby. stop eating. bigger boobs? god my thighs are huge..
you know. ive never liked mirrors. they kinda always sucked. I slip on some baggy jeans and a crop top. throwing over a hoodie. Gray walks in my room.
"yo i need to fix my makeup"
"me too." I grab my phone and walk out of my room. going into the bathroom. me and gray put on loads of eyeliner and just a little too much highlighter.I grab my VS body spray. spraying way to much on both of us. we both cough and laugh. "ok lets go. devans waiting on me"
I put on my old skool vans. and we leave. walking down the street i can see them already at the skatepark.
"hey!" i say sitting on one of the picnic tables. I grab lukes skateboard and stand on it. rolling back and forth. him and kayleigh are sitting next to eachother. his hand on her thigh.
i hate her. i hate her. she is not even that pretty
devan comes over by me and gives me a hug. "hi beautiful." he smiles at me. a warm smile. gray smiles but not me. gray starts messing around with him. while i look at luke. I take off my hoodie and sit back down. sitting across from them. I rest my head on my hand.
"well you really got yourself there" kayleigh laughs grabbing my wrist. I smile.
"mhm" i try to give a laugh with it.
luke looks at me and gives a comforting look. i look away.
what a bitch. cant even stick up for me?
looking at devan and gray. she really stares at him.
(grays pov)
I see luke and cj always talking. what is even going on with them... i snap back to remember im talking to devan. I look into his eyes
their so pretty..
but i cant like my bestfriends boyfriend... right? i cant have him.
he smiles at me. looking back at cj. is she ok?
i like you. i like you. i like you.
thats all i want to say.
i want you.
we all end up walking over to the park. i watch cj and devan hold hands walking. i follow along. i look at kayleigh and luke. im so. lonely.
the more i think about him. the better he gets. the cuter he gets.
i crave the affection. that they get. i want a hug. not objects.
we all sit around at the park. Jayden makes jokes that everyone laughs at. the amount of tention between luke and cj... i look over at devan. he looks at me and smiles. its so warm. it makes me so.... h a p p y
(cjs pov)
why cant i have him.
4:00 soon turns to 5 then to 6 then to 7. They all slowly leave. Gray leaves first. strict mom. then Jayden goes. Kayleigh leaves. its just me and the boys. My curfew is 7:30 on school nights.
"well im gonna head home." I get up. luke quickly gets up too. they walk me home. As i get in the door my dogs jumpon me. "get down" i groan.(TW: CUTTING) i walk into the bathroom and fill up the tub. bubbles slowly rise. I lock the door. the tears slowly fall down my face. I look thru the cabnets. finding the razor.
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1, 2, 3, 4, 5, soon lead up to 18. the inner liquid drips out. I sit in the bath tub. the hot water burning. but it feels good, i can really feel it. I lay there. my spotify playlist going and going.
*knock* *knock*
"yea?" i answer
"hurry upppp" my little sister whines
"oh my god ok." I unplug the tub. wrapping myself in the towel. I open the door and walk out and into my room. no one will see me till morning.
