Monsters Within Us || Taekook AU

열아홉

He rests his chin on his knees and gazes out at the scenery, the chilly wind caressing his hair. The word ‘monster’ sticks with him like an echo and Jungkook realizes that this is the unfamiliar Kim Taehyung he’s been searching for; the different boyfriend he can’t fully recognize. For the sake of their relationship he needs to know this part of him. He was never good with words and now that he isn’t even allowed to touch him words are more lost on him than ever. He can only sit there, useless, and wait for him to continue.

Taehyung restlessly pulls on a straw, ripping it in half before letting it drift into the air. Above them the clouds are reaching for each other. Soon they block out the sun, turning the sky more and more overcast.

“After my Mom had me she got caught up in some… stuff. It wasn’t really her fault but it stuck with me anyway, the consequences of what she did. I’ve been vulnerable to negative energy ever since. I’ve really tried my best to live a fulfilling life and surround myself with good people and things that make me happy, but…”

He trails off for a moment, looking tired and disappointed.

“Right after I met you I also had to isolate. That’s the real reason why it took me so long to get back to you. I really wanted to see you again, I was just waiting for things to go away. And it worked, it worked for such a long time, even when our relationship was a rollercoaster sometimes… But then they suddenly came back and I panicked. I told my family to lie if you asked and I tried to throw you off in case you’d go looking for me. All I wanted was to protect us but I was scared of what you’d think. I’m sorry.”

Jungkook stares at him. He doesn’t know what to say. He does feel a little betrayed but more than anything he’s confused. Taehyung talks about these monsters like they’re only his to deal with… so why has Jungkook been running into them, too? Was he even supposed to? He’s found himself in random places with terrifying secrets, seemingly by chance, but if it wasn’t for those places he’d never known he was supposed to come to Daegu. It’s not possible for it all to be coincidence. The monsters don’t make sense to him like they do to Taehyung and he’s too afraid to ask. He doesn’t want to cause more anxiety and make his partner doubt his efforts. Wanting to protect goes both ways, and if he’s not allowed to hold him then keeping quiet is the least he can do.

“Is that why you’re with me?” he asks instead. “Because I’m a bad person that you were drawn to?”

Taehyung's expression twists in a moment’s panic. He looks at him, his body twitching like he wants to move closer, but he manages to hold himself back and hugs himself tighter.

“That’s not it,” he insists, his voice broken. “Sure, it would make sense if you were… That would’ve explained everything, right?” He bumps his forehead against his knees and groans, frustrated. “But you’re not. You’re not, not even when I doubted you and kept giving you grief for it, like with your job and everything. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t wanna lose you.”

Jungkook tilts his head up at the darkening sky, feels the wind picking up. The whole situation is a maze and they’re both running around in it, but at least it’s not him that Taehyung is running away from. He told himself he’d be willing to accept anything but that. So from now on he’ll take anything, no matter what it is. He supposes he can deal with monsters.

“You won’t lose me,” he assures him. “I wish you’d told me anyway but it is what it is. If this is something you have to do then I support you. As long as you’ll come back to me in the end.”

There’s a glimpse of teardrops on Taehyung's  eyelashes and he almost manages to wipe them away before they escape down his cheeks. “If you still want me.”

“Of course I want you, idiot.” Jungkook moves his hand a little bit closer, as close as he can without touching. “I’ll miss you in the meantime.”

“Then I’ll miss you even more,” Taehyung declares. “I’m not gonna let you beat me.”