For You I Will

Ten

Monica
➰

I left First Baptist with nothing but guilt pouring from my body, devastated to witness the home-going for DJ Silk. It broke my heart seeing him being laid to rest, especially knowing just who was responsible for his death.
It was a shame his life ended so tragically, all because of an insecure, jealous man—a man that I needed to stir away from unless I desired my life to end the same way.

Entering the apartment building, I couldn't stop thinking about Brandy. I thought about her so much, I'd even shot her a text just before the funeral to let her know she'd been on my mind. But she gave no response. She read the message and said nothing further.
Her refusal to speak to me or even hold just one conversation with me made me feel just as guilty.

I knew that I practically rejected her, but I had no intentions of hurting her either. I thought she'd understood that because of both our situations with the men we were tied to, it wasn't ideal to establish a relationship so soon. I needed to break free from the brokenness in my relationship with Cornell. The unfaithfulness, infidelities, the lack of trust. I needed to be clear from all of it.

But I admit, I was fairly torn. I couldn't deny the fact that I craved Brandy's presence more than ever since the intimacy we shared. How she talked to me, the way she held me—it was unlike anything I'd ever experienced with any man. But I was holding back, I guess. I mean, how could I want her when I was already with someone else? I just didn't understand it.

Hopeful of some advice, I decided to stop by Dana's apartment. I hadn't seen her since she'd gotten a bit upset at the group and distanced herself. But, at a time like this, I needed her. Of all the women, she had her head directly as needed and never judged anyone. She loved all and didn't mind being a listening ear.

"Mo? Hey, sweetie," Chrissy greeted me, opening the door to her and Dana's home. She noticed my worrisome and grew of concern. "Everything okay?"

I greeted the woman back, smiling and waving some, then awarded her a hug. "Yeah. Is Dee around? I wanted to talk to her about something? Kinda need her advice..."

"She's not, actually," she said back, her head moving from side to side. "She ran down to the market to pick up some fresh fruit. Probably will be back in an hour or so." After watching me sigh, Chrissy then asked, "Is it something I could help with? I don't mind giving advice, Mo."

I declined, not wanting to intrude nor bombard the woman with my problems. "No, it's fine. I'll just come back another—"

"Oh girl, please," she waved me off, interrupting my words and insisting on me venting to her. "I'm all ears, Monica." She motioned for me to enter the apartment, pointing upon her and Dee's sofa for me to sit upon.
After I'd gotten comfortable and settled, the woman then asked, "So, what's going on?"

I sighed once more, holding my face within the palms of both my hands. "Okay, I'm sure you know Cornell and I don't have the greatest relationship. There's been lying, cheating, you name it. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I love him." I paused, breathing a bit deep. "But now I got somebody else in the picture and they honestly make me so happy. She told me—"

"Wait a minute," Chrissy cut me off just as she had before. "You seeing a woman, Mo?" When I confirmed, she then said to me, "Wow. I had no idea you were into women."

"Shit neither did I but it is what it is," I replied, laughing some. The other woman did the same, granting me a high-five of support. "Anyways, she told me she wants to be with me and I won't lie, I think I feel the same. But I didn't tell her that. I actually turned her down because I'm scared..."

Chrissy gave me a face of concern, wary of my feelings. "Scared? What are you afraid of?" She sat up a bit on the couch, showcasing her absolute focus.

"Thing is, I'm just not over everything Cornell's put me through. And I don't want to move too fast and end up in something I'm not ready for." I felt disbelief hanging over me, ashamed of the situation I'd gotten myself into. "I just can't promise her that I'd trust her fully. Plus, she's got her own problems with someone else so who's to say she'll even trust me? I just...I don't want to leave a toxic relationship just to end up in another because of trust issues."

"Okay, for one, as a lesbian, I'll tell you right now that no woman in a relationship with another woman is going to move slow. It is not going to be a slow process," Chrissy said to me, holding up her index finger and putting forth a fixed tone. "Hell, if she already told you she wants to be with you then I'm sure by next week she'll be asking for your hand in marriage." After we both laughed, she continued with, "And if you're saying you'd rather heal first before getting into something else then that's understandable. But we can't always blame new lovers for the things old lovers have done. If we do, we may be missing out on somebody good. And that's just the truth."

I breathed profoundly, allowing her words to soak within my mind. She made a valid point, advising me to consider experiencing something new with a clean, forgiven heart.
"So...do you think I should be with her?"

"Well," the woman shrugged her shoulders, "that's up to you. What I'm trying to say is while you're still holding onto somebody that's treating you like an option, you could be losing just the person that's ready to make you a priority. You gotta choose wisely, Mo."

Chrissy was right. I couldn't trust Cornell but that didn't mean I couldn't trust Brandy. Besides, from what she portrayed to me, she proved herself to be utterly trustworthy.

I thanked the woman for her advice, grateful that she'd been just the shoulder I needed in a moment so shredding.
I had then prepared myself to leave, but before I did, I made sure to ask about Dana. I informed Chrissy of how snappy her wife seemed and that she hadn't spoken to the group since then.

The woman assured me not to worry, telling me, "Oh, hell. I had no idea Dana got like that with y'all. And trust me, I will get on her about being snappy. But please don't take it to heart, Mo. You know how she gets about me. She's just scared, that's all."

Out of curiosity, I asked, "Did you...did you tell her what your doctor told you? That you may not have long?"
Every time I remembered that any day could practically be Chrissy's last, it broke my heart. Not only for her but for Dana as well. How could she ever be okay again after losing the woman she vowed to love? And she truly did stick by her vows—she loved Chrissy through sickness and in health.

"I didn't tell her but do I really have to?" The woman replied. "She's my wife and she's here with me twenty-four-seven, how could she not know, y'know?" Chrissy dropped her head some, allowing sorrow to hold onto her. "My skin's gotten darker. I'm thinner, weaker. Even if Dana hasn't heard it, I'm sure she sees it."

I agreed with her, understanding what she mouthed. Maybe the reason Dee had been so distant was that she knew her wife was not only dying right in front of her, but she was deteriorating too and there was nothing she could do but let it happen. It was completely out of her control.

Leaving their apartment, I gathered the advice given and figured I'd stop by Brandy's. I knew the last we spoke, things weren't exactly desirable. I said some things, she said some too. All in all, feelings were at stake and another conversation was certainly needed.
She deserved to know how I truly felt.

Growing closer to her door, I prayed that God would give me the strength to say what was needed in the most genuine and authentic way. I hadn't wanted to give off any further mixed signals.

Breathing deeply and working up the courage, I prepared my fist to knock, but before I could, Brandy had already opened the door.

She seemed stunned, shifting her eyes back and forth upon me and some chocolate-toned, brown-haired woman that stood behind her.

A|N:
welp 😁
your thoughts?

-not edited