Holding On

Five

Amelia

"How's our parents?" I say while smiling.

Mari finished pouring herself a glass of wine before setting the bottle down in the bucket of ice.

We chose something a little more fancier than usual. I had just recently gotten a pay promotion for my hard work at the company and we may or may not be celebrating Mari's new relationship today which I couldn't be more excited for her.

"They're good! You'll have to come around again soon, I know how much they love seeing you." She smiles while bringing the freshly poured glass of wine to her glossy lips.

"I know. They still haven't given Dante an answer on his generous gift." I raise a brow at her and smile.

Dante had offered the Sesay's, who I now often called my parents, an all inclusive and completely paid for trip to a destination of their choosing. After the trial had occurred and we had several dinners with them including Dante, he immediately wanted to find some way to repay them for all they've done for me in my past. They consistently keep declining saying they don't need any gift or generosity but I think maybe one day they just might need the vacation enough to take it.

"Ugh, don't get me started. I keep telling them it's no big deal and that it would be a vacation and some time off and that they should take it but you know them. Stubborn." She responds.

"It's alright. They can take all the time they may need. I'm just glad they know it's on the table." I say.

Our waiter comes to the table to take our orders which we both then relay what we've decided on.

"Soo," I slowly smirk while looking at Mari. "Tell me about your new partner." I wiggle my brows at her to emphasize my words.

She smiles and lets out a small laugh while shaking her head.

"He's great. I'm really happy." Her smile is soft and I can see the sparkle in her eyes when she talks about him.

"Well I'm glad Mari. Especially after Alice, I was afraid you'd given up all together." I explain while reaching forward to lay my hand over hers.

Alice and Mari dated for about 6 months earlier this year. They seemed as happy as could be and I truly think they were for awhile. I believe it was a situation of the right person but wrong time, where they both loved each other but couldn't make it work with their current schedules. Eventually it hurt more being together and feeling so apart than it would just to go their separate ways. Which they did peacefully and respectfully.

"I'm not giving up. I believe in taking it day by day and being grateful for any experiences I've had already. I'm happy I met Alice and I'll always appreciate our time together. I'm happy we were able to talk it out and end on good terms. We both deserve to be happy." She smiles a sad smile.

I always loved Mari's outlook on life. Always so positive and uplifting. Her family who I now considered apart of my own were my saviors, all angels. They truly were some of the most positive people to be around.

"You do. And I'm glad you're happy." I say before sipping my wine.

"Thank you. Jordan is great. But enough about me, I can gossip later. I want to talk about the letter." She says, her face getting serious.

Right, the letter. Which I presume has something to do with my suspicious fiance this afternoon.

"Well what about it? I mean I don't really know what to think. I'm just a little shocked." I say.

She leans forward raising her eyebrow at me.

"You're not the least bit suspicious of why she is reaching out to you now? I mean it's been months since he's been locked up and even before that she found out with the rest of us apparently, she would have reached out then." She finishes.

True. I didn't want to believe there was anything suspicious but of course I wouldn't be that naive. I wouldn't allow myself to live and walk in fear 24/7. To let that family scare me anymore, I am done.

"You're right. I am a little confused and I guess suspicious but maybe she truly does mean well? What if we're overlooking this?" I have a question. "I'm not saying I'm going to be totally naive about this but I'd like to believe that maybe there are good intentions behind the letter. Considering who I am now, where I stand in life. And not to sound so shallow but who am I with? Would it really be smart to make a foul move against us?" I say.

I haven't really had much time to process but I did know one thing. That whoever this women is would be stupid to cross me, never mind Dante. To have any other intent other than pure, would be the wrong choice.

"I know. You'd think that. And maybe she is truly pure and it is a real act of kindness. I'm just trying to reason with you okay? Playing a little devil's advocate to look out for you.'' She smiles and now it's her turn to lay her hand atop mine.

"And I love you for that." I smile and laugh.

Soon after our waiter brings our food and we dig in.

I've had a lot on my mind lately with the letter and reopening some old wounds. It's made me look at my past, reevaluate. The help I wish I had, the funding I wish had been available for the right programs.

"I've called my therapist to start up some sessions again." I admit, wiping my lips with my napkin.

"That's good. I know how much she helped you after the trial." Mari smiles.

"Yes, she did. I think it'd be good to go and talk to her with the arrival of this letter. Good to talk through it." I explain.

I've been getting better at handling my emotions and confronting my past. Dante has been there every step of the way with that recovery. He's even come to a few of my appointments with me to help when I couldn't do it on my own.

"Well, I think that's great." She smiles.

We continue to eat a little bit more before the waiter comes back asking if we'd like dessert. With knowing glances we look at one another and nod our heads yes to which he leaves to get a menu.

"I just want to say how proud of you we all are. Everyone in your life knows how hard that trial was for you. Not to mention what had happened to you." Mari says.

I smile down at my silverware.

"Thank you Mari. I love and appreciate all of you. It's gotten easier and I have you all to thank for that." I explain.

Having support in my life now, has just made me realize how much I missed out on in my childhood. How ruined and damaged I had been. I deserved better than what I was thrown into. And sometimes I think about it too much. I think about what I can do now to help kids in my exact situation. It pains me to think about it.

"I wanted to ask your opinion on something." I start, shifting in my chair and looking Mari in the eyes.

"I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. What I went through. And where I am now, the privilege I have with this job and success, I can't help but think I could be doing something more." I explain.

Mari raises her eyebrows at me in shock.

"Amelia, do not feel guilty for being happy and safe. There is nothing wrong with being proud of where you are and grateful." She smiles kindly.

"But if you feel like it's something you truly want to do, not because it's over guilt, then I think it's a wonderful thought." She finishes.

I take her words in. She's right, I mean a lot of my need to help stems from guilt, but a majority of it stems from restlessness. I want to do something with my life, monumental in a small way. Take what I have now to do some good. And along the way, forgive myself in a way of healing.

"You're right. I shouldn't do it all out of guilt. But I can't deny it plays a factor and it always will. I'll always feel guilty for getting out when I did when I know thousands of kids suffer everyday. But I can't dwell, I need to use that. For something good." I finish taking a deep breath.

Mari smiles at me and sits back. Our waiter returns with dessert menus and we immediately order some of our favorites.

"Then I'll be here for any help. It's a wonderful Idea." She says.

We smile at each other and immediately dive into conversations about her new boyfriend.