Every time I stand up, I'm dizzy
Blood rushes to my head
My legs grow tired
My face begins to turn pale
My stomach aches
My head pounds
And absolutely nobody notices
So I go back to my room
turn on music
and forget that anyone exists.
Nothing makes me happy anymore
I grow so tired of myself
I hate how I appear to others
I hate how I can barely keep a conversation going
I hate how I've never been kissed
Or how I haven't been taken out on a proper date
How I cry myself to sleep every night
how I have to pretend to have the same interests as someone just so they like me.
I hate everything about this stupid constant sickness I feel every single day.
god, I'm so fucking tired
and I'll do is sleep.
I slack
I starve
I cry
and I sleep
that's basically my daily routine
school starts in one week and I have no idea what I'll do. I'm scared. No, I'm terrified
It's a new school,
of course.
my mom and I used travel a lot. Last year we found out she had a brain tumor.
She died three months ago.
We covered over 45 states in the last year trying to get her treated.
I would do anything to have her say my name again.
in the last three months I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and several eating disorders.
After my mother died, I moved in with my father and I'm being in rolled in tenth grade this week.
I'm not scared of the people
I'm scared of me.
I just hope I manage to make a few friends.
Pulling into my dads driveway was strange.
It's a lot different from when I remember
The porch swing barely hangs from the ceiling, and the grass isn't as green.
One thing that did stay the same are the amount of crows that sit at the window, constantly crowing.
This town has always been creepy, but I only notice it when I'm not ten and my mom is not alive to protect me.
I step out of the cab,
Walk to the door,
and hesitate to open it.
As soon as my hand touches the door, my dad opens it and picks me up with a hug.
" hi dad."
" hey sweetie." he says lightly
My dad knew everything.
I went to many mental hospitals, many hospitals in general.
He tried to be there, but I understood.
It was hard.
" okay well, I'll show you to your room then." He says rubbing his hands together.
I just nod silently
we enter the house and it still smells the same as I remember, like cedar wood and old collected dust.
When we make it to my room, I can't help but notice it has been left the exact same for over thirteen years.
" I didn't want to mess with anything, we can go shopping if you like?" he ponders
" dad, it's perfect."
he smiles wide and makes his way out of room.
I place a picture of my mom on my desktop and start unpacking my clothes.
One thing I hated about traveling was unpacking and repacking.
I started feeling a bit dizzy.
Everything sunk me back into a hole.
I hate it
I want to make my dad happy
I want to make my mom proud
I sit down
tuck myself under the covers, and turn on music. feeling my eyes drift,
I wonder what it would be like if mom were still alive.
