Alone

Alone Randhir OS

You know when you are truly alone?

No, it’s not just when you have no friends.

Being truly alone is when there is no one by your side to share your joys or sorrows.  Not even those who always made promises about always being there for you.

I was always afraid of being this alone.

I had friends.  I had the Dream Team.  I had Sanyukta.  But I was still alone.

And this is all because of the two goddamn women in my life.

I didn’t hate all women.  I just hated the women in my life.

It started because of my biological mother.  Can’t even bring myself to write out the word mom for her.

Apart from pushing me out of her, she has had no other contribution to my life.

What kind of a woman fucking chooses – I repeat – chooses to have her son nursed by another woman?

She wasn’t on her deathbed.  She wasn’t ill.

She just wanted a promotion, and chose to work overtime.

I hated her.  Loathed her existence.

Then came Sanyukta.

I let her fill the void in me.  I let her in my life.  I let her in.

I hadn’t expected her to leave me in such a state.

All that we had been through in the past few months, did that mean nothing to her?

I hated her just like I hated my mother.

Even crueler was the fact that I loved them both, and that made me hate myself even more.

I was alone.  Once again.

It made me cry when I thought about who would actually miss me if I died at this instant.

I punched the wall in anger.  In hurt.  In pain.

In disbelief.

How?  How had I become this alone?

Looking at the bloody imprints at the once clear wall, I decided to end the misery once and for all.

How alone could I really get anyway!?

I packed my bags, and left FITE.  Left the place I used to call home a few months back.

Was it selfish of me to ask Why me?

Why did I have to end up being this alone?

But I moved on.

Moved away.

Moved forward.

I was still alone, but I began finding solace in my loneliness.

I had my own garage now.  I didn’t earn much, nor did I have my own family.

But I wasn’t alone anymore.

I had my machines and cars to give me company.

Because unlike humans, these so called non-living things would never do the one thing humans always do.

They would never leave me alone.