Hello new coping mechanism

shitty therapy

So it's happened again ay, I'm back too contemplating and converasting with this note pad once again. I've fallen so far once again into built up emotions and this note pads going to take the full force of it. Oh well so here we go I guess my personal therapy sessions :on this fine after noon I watch as the love of my life mentally breaks down over discord and what do I do? You might think (well you probably helped her right?) Yeah no I sat there just watching as someone else comforts her on her personal problems.As I sit here what emotion less? As I sit there watch someone break down mentally and feel nothing not even remorse and I start to ask myself why? Why do I feel no remorse why do I feel nothing... And I think I've finally found the answer !!!(yaaaay)calm down calm down hold your applause ok jeez, anyway I've finally found it.Ever since I was a wee boy I was happy , until (I went too school that is) because other than useless knowledge school has tought me how too suppress my feelings like a "big boy". So throughout my current life I've been building up these feelings for YEARS and along with my anger issues I've been pushed to the limit several times throughout middle school and elementary but now all those cries and all those tears all this anger is just still within me even after expelling it over all these years are still so much built up anger and sadness just led me into a spiraling dilemma of feeling absolutely no remorse for any other human being other than myself. And even at that extent I still hate myself even with all this affection this woman has been giving me whatever I gave her nothing what a hug? Hugs? I've been too focused on  physical attachment that I've haven't been worried about her emotional state and it's sickens me that I act this way. I feel this way all the time almost every day now it's just like I've cut off every emotion felt for any other human being except myself and it hurts it hurts me so bad seeing other people around me break down mentally and I stare there with a blank face as if nothing is happening and get this my emotions kick in AFTER THE SITUATION DEESCALATES HOW CONVENIENT like me right now all these emotions kicking in far FAR after the situation like fuck you  emotions (side note if my emotions were real I would fist fight them too death and treat them like the whore they are ) Anyway now I feel like the biggest peace of shit in the world but I share 50 percent of this burden with the other peaces of shit who led me too dig this deep dark hole in myself (you were thinking of something else weren't you 😏 tisk tisk). Yes all the peaces of shit who chose to bully and pick on me because I was bigger,smarter (scratch that I'm dumb as fuck) ,and more mature then them but hey "ThAtS lIFe" well if this is life I'd rather not live it and just rot away and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH that's a little extra but still it's kinda the only way too show my frustrations over text so WOOOOOOOO,well I think I've cooled down just a wee bit with this stupid personal therapy of mine so good bye we shall meet in this void of feelings once again good bye ☺️ SIKE fuck you I don't have the luxury too be nice being the price of shit I am 🖕