505 - calzona one shot

505

I'm going back to Callie. I will go back to Callie if it takes me a seven hour flight or a fourty-five minute drive. I am going back to Calliope. 

I heard Penny and her had just broke up. I heard. And it wasn't just a rumor that reached the hospital, I heard so from Callie herself. She was crying, sobbing, and she ranted for hours. We were still friends despite her leaving for New York and Penny.

But now, Callie's reasons for leaving Seattle are gone. She did not have her Penny anymore. Penny left, only leaving a note on the fridge, at least that's what Calliope had told me through her tears. 

The whole time she was crying and ranting this morning, I started to feel like I needed to punch a wall. Or break a wall. Hearing Callie hurt is something I have witnessed before, I heard her hurt voice when we broke up at the couple's therapy, that was the last I heard her hurt voice. That is up until this morning.

I was not mad at Penny, I was just concerned for Calliope, and my daughter. Sofia has grown to like her mom's girlfriend this past year, I got it when Sofia kept messaging me using her ipad about how Penny always brought her home cotton candy. It made me like Penny a little too, but the hurt was still there, because that could have been me bringing home treats to Sofia. 

I sigh as I remember Callie's voice. I sat down on my bed, thinking. Callie's sadness washed on me, even through the phone had an effect on me somehow. And I wanted to be there for her when she was sobbing into the device, so that she didn't have to sob into the device. I wanted to be beside her, patting her back, fetching her water, and drying her tears. I wanted to be there instead of hearing her cry through the phone and nod a couple of times when I knew she couldn't see me nod anyway. I really wanted to be there.

Maybe that's why I booked a flight as fast as I did. Maybe that's why I'm packing my bags to go to New York for only a day. I haven't even told the person I was coming to New York for, Callie, I was coming to see her. Because truth be told, I couldn't muster to say anything else than a 'bye callie,' when she called this morning. 

I didn't tell her anything. I didn't comfort her with words no matter how much my body ached to, because I had hurt her before, it didn't feel right. So why am I coming to New York? Why did I do all these things to do what didn't feel right moments ago? 

In my imagination, Callie is waiting lying on her side. But I knew in truth she wasn't waiting, heck she doesn't even know I was coming. 

A seven hour flight to New York was done. I boarded off the plane. I got into a cab. I told the driver Callie's address, she gave it to me when I visited Sofia a few times. My heart was pounding and racing and everything but still. 

In a few moments, I will show up at Callie's front door, with only a backpack to show. 

Every second that passed made me even more nervous. You haven't thought it through, Arizona, so why did you do it.

I knock at her door, and faint footsteps neared me, in a few, the door swung open. Callie gazed at me like she was about to burst, a tissue box in hand. Her hair was all over the place, but I took no mind, she was still beautiful to me no matter storm she appeared to be in, and I would be lying if I said my ex-wife did not look hot in her messy hairdo, but that would be insensitive would it. And she stood there, only staring, not even reaching for her tissue box to wipe a single tear.

Stop and wait a sec, if you look at me like that, my darling, what did you expect? 

"Arizona," she said, unmoving. "I'm sorry I came with no notice." I say.

"Mommy who at door?" I heard our little girl say from inside. Her tiny footsteps neared us too, and there I saw Sofia. "Mami? Mami!" she rushed to me and hugged me with no shame. I smile at her. And when I looked up, Callie was smiling, tears running down her face.

"Mommy what you doing? Cuddle with, Mami and me!" Sofia shouted, a happy girl she was. I watched as Callie embraced us both. I even felt her tears wet my shoulder, but it was alright. 

We went inside after a few more moments and Callie didn't question why I came or who I came for. I knew well that I could use Sofia as an excuse but Callie was no idiot. Callie told our little girl to stay in her room for a while to give her two mommies some space. She gleefully did so.

Callie is stirring my coffee in the kitchen and I was sitting in the small dining beside it. "Lots of sugar right?" she asked and I nod. I could still hear the pain lingering in her voice. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy that Callie still knew the bits of me she left. 

She placed the coffee in front of me and I thank her. She took the seat across me and cut to the chase, "Why are you here?"

I forced myself to sip hot coffee to give me a moment to think. "I came here for you and Sofia." I say. Callie didn't look too eager to know anyway.

"I can take care of Sofia, don't worry. Just because I'm going through a heartbreak doesn't mean I can't be a mom." she replied. There was no venom in her voice, just unfiltered thoughts that came out. I nod.

"I know. I just wanted to be here, for you, and for her." 

Her face softened quickly, and quite evidently. Her eyes started to water again as well. "Don't cry," I say. But when she closed her eyes hard, tears streamed down. 

I switch seats swiftly and start patting her at the back. This made her feel comfortable enough to start sobbing, she was still hurt, so hurt.

"I'm sorry, Calliope." I say. 

"Do you wanna know why we broke up?" she started. I didn't want to know actually, but I respected her so gave her no indication of uninterest.

"You." 

I stopped.

"You, Arizona. It always comes down back to you." she said, crying. "I still love you." she cried and let a small voice say what she wanted to say. I just couldn't move. She looked me in the eye, and I was frozen.

"There's no liquor involved in this, if ever you were wondering." she laughed trying to joke it off. But I knew this was far from a joke. Callie sighed. "I'm sober. There are no tricks here, it's just that- that, no matter what you did, I still loved you. And- and, when met Penny, I convinced myself I already moved on because I couldn't bare being hurt alone, so went along and hurt others, like Penny. I'm a bad person, a user,-"

"No, Callie, you're not a bad person." I say, firmly and she shook her head, disappointed, not at me, but herself.

"I am." she said in a low voice, I almost couldn't hear it. "I used Penny, to get over you. How am I not-"

I kissed her. I just couldn't hear her say she was a bad person anymore. I am the bad one. I am the one who cheated, I am the one who put our marriage on the line for one night of pleasure, I am the one who was supposed to feel guilty. But it wasn't that way, wasn't it. It was clear to me the moment Callie started downplaying herself. I felt guilty because she felt guilty, not because I broke our marriage. And I needed to fix that.

We parted, hot breathe against each other. Callie was stunned, but it wasn't like she didn't kiss back. 

"I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take advantage of you at this point in time. I just couldn't live with you feeling all this guilt, Calliope."

She didn't say another word, so I did.

"I was the one who made you feel like you weren't enough. You were not responsible for our marriage and you're definitely not responsible for the guilt you feel because truth be told, I should be the one guilty. Even if you used Penny to get over me, that doesn't make you a bad person. People make mistakes and that doesn't make us bad people, I had to learn that the hard way, Calliope." I stop to fix a stray strand of hair that was covering my eyes. "And I'm sorry, for hurting you like I did. That's why I came here, to try and help you because I know that I've hurt you the same way before."

"I-" 

"And it doesn't matter if you love me or not. I'm doing this because I. Love. You, and I don't expect you to reciprocate it. I just want to be here for you when you need it, okay?"

Callie made-up a weak but content smile to show me that it was okay. She knew and I knew too, that we can be happy again, who knew it only needed a talk outside couple's therapy to make it happen?