Moving On

Chapter 1

It’s funny how when you meet the person you love it's based mainly on pure luck; that you just happen to ponder upon the person who makes you whole. There are those rare cases that our love has always been there, but sometimes we are just too blind to notice such a treasureable item. Something we are able to hold, protect, and love for eternity. The hardest part of finally finding someone is when they are so suddenly ripped from you. Those arms that protected you no are longer there, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The only thing you can hope is that the wounds that are left can be cared for, but in the back of your mind you know they can never be fixed. The pain will subside but the memory always sticks.

Life likes to do terrible things to us, like taking away my love and the one person I ever felt safe with; the only one who accepted every part of me, even the darker side and the quirky side. On July 17, 2012, Gavin Lee Carter--my other half and my eternity--was taken from me by Leukemia.

I became lost, with nowhere to go. He was the only person I had left in my life because my Mom and Dad had kicked me out of the house, unable to deal with my erratic behavior. I never understood why they kicked me out, seeing I was only being a bruding teenager and all. I missed them, though, and this was the time that I needed them the most. Sadly, they never wanted anything to do with me after the whole wrecking a hotel room along with their black BMW incident.

I guess some mistakes are unforgiveable.

I remember spending months in the hospital with Gavin, watching as he slowly deteriorated into nothing but a bag of bones gasping on his very last breath. It broke my heart seeing him like that, but I know he's in a better place now. Life is cruel in the way that it takes the best things that you have and the things that make you you, away. I've never told anyone this, but I really do think Gavin saved my life.

I had been going through a rough patch with moving here to London because I was a complete outsider, just a lonely partying wanderer. I used to party every night with my friend Belle before I met Gavin.

Belle never was the one partying, though. She normally just sat on the end of the bar chatting up some random attractive guy who happened to sit next to her, all the while sipping a coke. I knew I had a problem with drinking but I could never bring myself to fess up to it.

When Belle introduced me to Gavin, however, he took notice of my behavior and imediateley put and end to it . One night he caught me almost getting date raped because I was too inoxicated to defend myself. I will always be thankful for that.

That was basically where our journey began, that very night when he sobered me up and took me to get some help. Ever since he died, though, my drinking has gotten out of control again. The scary thing is...I don't know who's going to save me this time.

The only other person beside Gavin that I feel close to is my friend Belle. She's just a quirky as me, but maybe slighty calmer with an extreme sarcastic side to her that not even I can take sometimes and trust me, I can take a lot of sarcasm. I always envy Belle because she has everything a person could ever want. She has two loving parents, a beautiful home and all the love and support she could ever possibly need in life. I wish I still had that.

How Belle and I met...well, it’s a funny story that I’ll get to later. The thing about Belle is that she never judges, and I think that is the most admirable thing about someone. People never seem to look past others flaws, mine being the giant scar across my cheek from when I was five when I fell from an oak tree.

Everyone had been so intimidated by it when I first moved to London but Belle hadn’t cared. She thought it gave me character and reminded her of Harry Potter in a way, but without all the wand waving and spell chanting. That’s why I love her--in a friendly way, that is. She saw me for me and not the ugly scar etched across my cheek.

Belle is actually the person who introduced me to Gavin. Little did she know that that day would be the happiest I'd had in years. Sometimes, though, I'm not sure how I can put up with Belle. She has this odd obsession with the boyband “One Direction”, mainly favoring the curly-haired, dimple-cheeked one.

She gushes over him constantly, even with the mention of his name her olive toned eyes will practically bulge out of her head. The guys were attractive, I guess...well, I used to really like the puppy-like one but as it turned out he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend so it didn’t really mean much anyway.

For Belle's twentieth birthday I got her tickets to see that band, along with backstage passes. You're probably asking how did you get the money, right? Well basically I went around the local parks collecting bottles, cans, etc, and working my part time job at the cinema doing overtime.

It drained me physically but it didn't matter because I was going with my friend to see the people whom she loved the most. It was the least I could do, especially since she helped hold my head above water after Gavin passed.

Sitting in my room thinking about this, it  seemed kind of silly to me. Thinking about how Belle's face was going to look when she got her gift made me smile. I just knew she would pee her pants, and would probably start bouncing off the walls for all I know.

I shook my head and moved, looking at myself in the mirror. I was a complete disgrace, what with my hair knotted and makeup smeared from crying the previous night. I sighed, getting up and going into the bathroom and filling the room with  steam before stepping into the bath. I sank into it, feeling the water burn my skin.

After the bath I decided something simple to wear would be good. I didn’t care for my appearance anymore simply because there is no one to impress. Well, besides maybe my lizard Carl, but he seems to like me even my most ragged state.

I decided to wear a black tank top with Gavin’s oversized red flannel, my old pair of faded blue skinny jeans and some old ratty vans. Like I said, I had not a care in the world for what I looked like anymore.

I took one last look in the mirror, feeling pretty good about my clean up job. Lookin good Peyton. I saw the scar once more and winced, knowing that as I walked the six blocks to Belle’s house everyone would stare; everyone would judge.

That’s one of my many fears: being judged, along with being left by the person I love. It won't happen again; falling in love, that is. Never again will I subject my heart to that kind of pain. This is a promise that I will keep forever, until my very last breath.