'Di Madama

Author's Note:

At the age of fifteen, I was touched without my consent. The term for it before in our school was minanyak, namanyak, coming from the word manyak.

I didn't even realize na ganoon na ang nangyari. Hindi ko pa malalaman kung hindi pa sinabi sa akin ng isa kong kaklase na ganoon na pala ang pinag-uusapan nila sa GC nila. Na naka-score sa akin. Na nahawakan nila ako.

Noong una, hindi mag-sink in sa akin. Kasi kaibigan ko sila, pinagkatiwalaan ko sila tapos ganoon pala ang gagawain nila sa akin? Babastusin nila ako? Hahawakan ng walang consent ko?

Inisip ko pa 'yung araw na sinasabi nilang 'minanyak' ako. Hindi lang isang lalaki, apat nga ata sila. Nung marealize ko, parang napatulala na lang ako na oo nga. Kaya pala ganoon nila ako hinawakan noon.

At hanggang ngayon, 'yung mga hawak nila sa akin naaalala ko pa rin. Each touch left a mark on those parts of my body. Na hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin.

Noong face to face classes pa, sa Manila madalas ako mag-commute or LRT, at ni hindi ko na mabilang kung gaano kadaming beses ako nahawakan ng walang permiso ko.

Kung ako na ganoon ang naranasan, hindi na makalimutan 'yon, what more about all those people who suffers from abuse? Those who has been raped? Touched without their consent everyday?

They also feel that way or maybe worse.

Who really knows?

When I was seventeen, I was once called a fuck girl without even doing anything. Even though I knew it in myself that I wasn't that kind of girl, it affected me so much. As in dinibdib ko talaga and napa-reflect ako sa sarili ko kasi ano ba basehan ng tao para tawagin kang gan'on, 'di ba?

At hanggang ngayon dala dala ko pa rin 'yon kahit isang tao lang naman tumawag sa akin non, kapwa babae ko pa lol. Ang sama sama feeling kahit hindi ka naman talaga ganon, mapapaisip ka talaga na "baka gano'n nga ako?"

At sa totoong buhay, may mga tao rin na gano'n. Na sa araw araw ganon nararamdaman nila. Sobrang sama sa feeling, sobrang nakakasama sa loob. Para kang pinapatay araw-araw dala dala 'yung mga masasakit na salita na binabato nila sa'yo.

Madali lang naman kasi magsabi ng mga salita. Madali lang mang-bash especially now through online na maraming account ang hindi naman natin nakikita o nalalaman man lang kung sino ang nasa likod.

It's so easy to type "fuck girl", pokpok, malandi.

It's easy to judge other people.

Pero sana kung gaano kadali i-type ang mga bagay na 'yun at sabihin, sana ganoon din kadali i-backspace at i-delete sa buhay. Na pwede mong burahin anytime para lang makalimutan mo.

Sa buhay, may mga taong mamamatay na lang na hindi man lang nakuha 'yung respeto at pagmamahal na deserve nila. Hindi man lang nila makukuha 'yung apology na deserve nila kasi sobrang cruel ng mundo, ng mga tao.

Kaya I hope people would always choose to be kind. People must always choose to know everything first before judging someone or somebody, because you'll never know what they're going through.

And never invalidate someone's trauma.

Kahit pa sa tingin mo mababaw, don't ever do that.

And always remember that your feelings are valid. If ever you've been touched by someone without your consent or been sexually assaulted, I hope someday you can finally have the courage to stand up for yourself.

But take your time as much as you can. Speak up when you're finally ready. It's your trauma, ikaw lang makakapagsabi kung kailan ka na handa.

It's never easy. Hindi madali na sabihin 'yung nararamdaman mo at pinagdadaanan mo.

Stop victim blaming.

The best we can do for the survivors of rape, abuse is to support and believe them.

Fuck all the judgemental people. No matter who you are. No matter what your past was. You are still human. You are always valid, and you will always be worthy of respect and love. ❤

And thank you for reaching until the end. I hope you know that you deserve someone like Rean. This story is more about how Rean still loved Anya even when he knew that he could never feel her again. At sana balang araw, madama niyo rin ang ganoong klase ng pagmamahal. 🧡