Edging Closer ▶️

Dearest Cookie Monster

Drake,
I don't know exactly how to do this. Just know that if you laugh at me, I'll smack your head so hard your world will spin. I thought at first that leaving this job would be hard but I never realized how leaving you guys would be much harder. The three years we spent huddled in the pantry/restaurant (kidding) office were probably three of the best years in my life. I never thought I'd find friends as insane as you three are. And for that I love you. And thank you.

And Drake, I feel like I owe it to you to say that while Steph and Elaine received goodbye and thank you letters, I wrote you a confession letter. Feel free to throw this piece of paper before it gets uncomfortable.

You once told me that I needed to express my feelings. That my pent-up emotions are unhealthy, and I need to let them out to actually know that I can feel something. Because it scares you that I'll be stuck following orders like a robot my entire life and that my heart will turn to stone forever and scare away the guys that you are so convinced are going to be smitten by me someday. I hardly doubt that. There were none the past 23 years but I'll humor you. And so I'm commencing step one.

I like you. A lot. I think. You probably never noticed because I have the readable expressions of a houseplant. Or maybe you have noticed but decided to spare me from the embarrassment and acted nonchalant. I've been ignoring the signs of me feeling things for you because I didn't know how to handle them and mainly because I know you and Faith are very much in love. And I'd hate to seem like an obnoxious, conniving friend, who...well, you know what I mean. Besides, you know me. I know better than to wiggle my way in somewhere I shouldn't be. I've invested so much time in your relationship as a guidance counselor and referee (kidding), and I've spent too many sleepless nights writing those apology letters or poems or whatever for Faith just to try and wreck the beautiful thing you have. I'm happy for you. And maybe, suddenly feeling these things for you and being a forced witness to your whirlwind love life made me realize that I want to find the "Faith" of my life, too. The man version, I mean. Quit laughing! We've already established that I'm straight.

I think I started falling for you when you told me that I deserved to be swept off my feet by a guy you've screened from head to toe, soul to skin. I know I sprinkled you with spit and orange juice that day but that did something to me. You gave me the reason that I needed.

I'm resisting the urge to delete this entire paragraph because I feel like I'm destroying the friendship I've built with you, but I feel like I owe this much honesty to myself. Please don't feel like I'm up to something else. I just need you to know for my sanity's sake. I wanted to get it out because I'd hate to leave and still carry this with me. And you made me promise, on my currently new lime Mini that I worked so hard for, that I'd tell you the moment I get that gut feel that I'm starting to like someone. So here you go, I hope you regret making me promise that just as much as I do.

If you're slackjawed after reading the previous sentences, congratulations. You've managed to unearth a hammer stronger than Thor's to smash the rocks surrounding my heart and get it beating again and have me feeling like a swoony teenager.

I've practiced in my mind a thousand times how I'd tell you all this in person. Right at that moment when I step out of the office doors for the last time. But this seemed more realistic and less threatening. Knowing me, I'd probably fall on my face for no reason or tear up like a broken faucet halfway through my confession.

Thanks again, Drake. For everything. For the bland coffee when you try to keep me awake during late nights. For telling me that I'm a great food stylist (even when I'm not) when our editor feels like making my day bad. For screaming at my face when I talk about dying early and haunting you in your sleep every night. Constantly. I was joking by the way. For trying to make me feel better even when I can't tell you what's wrong. For just being the greatest best friend a klutz like me could ever have. And for making me realize that once in this lifetime, before it's too late, I'd like to take that ginormous leap of awesomeness you're so sure I should do. And maybe, if the good spirits are on my side, I'd get to feel what it's like to fall in love even for a day.
Maybe one day, when we see each other again and I've finally gotten over these "feelings" and our friendship will become less complicated than what I've made it five minutes ago, I'd be able to properly repay you for everything instead of constantly giving you jars of cookies.

I would probably be out of reachable range for a while but know that I'm always here. Like usual.

Take care of yourself, Cookie Monster.

Always,
Matty