UNBLINKING

SEEKING HELP

That Sunday was not at all for happiness on Jeiel's part, neither was the evening with all it's dazzling twilight. All she was seeing was gloom. Sure, every girl of the Maryland Hostel had halted their pace to inquire why she wasn't inclined to dancing the night away at the bazaar and she had quietly replied that she had things to do. Most of them wished her a marvelous evening and hurried off to catch some fun but much as she responded to their good wishes with a feigned cheerfulness, she didn't feel anything similar to the words she uttered.
So there she sat still at the balcony of the hostel, staring at the empty space as if trying to decipher some mystery about it. A lot of things ran in her mind yet none could blur the nasty reminiscence of those monstrous words. She could still hear Damien's voice in her mind; every word distinguished, loud and clear. "... Being so beautiful and mean..... Those sharp piercing unblinking eyes on your face taunt me night and day..... How insensitive can you be to the spell you cast on men?" he had said. And she remembered how she tried so hard to divert her gaze away from him so as not to tempt him more.

'And is it my fault that am beautiful or did I creat my eyes?' She thought painfully.

Her phone sounded and she checked to see what message it was. Her mother was wishing her a goodnight. "Gosh, how long have I sat here?" She mattered to her self. It was coming to 9:00pm and she had missed to watch the twilight. When did the sun set? "Oh, Jeiel," she told herself, "you can't be sulking because of that sly monster's threats. He only means to scare you so you can fall to his feet!" But the gruffy sound of her voice betrayed the disbelief in her own words.

What if he really means to fail me?

"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there." She consoled herself. "Am I really hurt?" She asked herself, shaking her head to check for the right answer to the question and anyone who would have cared to watch would think she was in conversation with some one else.

"Yes. But it's worth the while." She remembered a time in her childhood when other children had teased her for not having a father and her mother had told her that she had a father and she would get to know him someday, then she would be happier than all those bullies.
"One day your dad will come for you, and you will forget all the bullying," her mother had told her. "And life is more beautiful with it's ups and downs, Jeiel, because for one to realise true happiness they should know what it is to be sad; Otherwise they wouldn't distinguish the two."

And now Jeiel equated sadness to being threatened with failure by some willy professor. His voice came to her mind again, "So many girls are envious of those hazel eyes on your face," he had told her, " yet you who has all advantage at your disposal won't even try to use it to get what you desire! Examination begins next week, and I repeat my self, your choice over this will determine your passing," and he had walked away leaving her pondering if she should abandon her moral principles for her to pass.

She raised her head and her eyes met the darkness within. There were no lights on in the hostel since the others were away. She felt the loneliness like ice freezing in her skin and numbing her heart. The sky, too, was dark and quiet; not a star shining, not a bird singing. And she wondered if the whole universe were on holiday, including the stars. Her soul was overwhelmed and for once she thought she could not continue with all the uncertainty and darkness around her. She considered submitting to Damien's scheme even when she knew it would have great repucursions to her life.

'And so what?' she thought dismissively. How different was she from all those other girls who used their bodies to get what they needed yet still lived happily after. The slutts in town and those in brothels? After all she would walk away with her degree in Finance and Accounting then she would live the life she dreamt, pursuing her goals, then she would forget all that happened in Uni.
After all nobody cared for what you underwent but your achievements. As Beth puts it, no body wants to know how you bake your cake, but all want a piece of it. But what would her mother say?