The Thoughts of an Average Teen

No. 1

Who I am.

     Well, here we are. I'm sure you're wondering as am I, why does this book even exist? Why am I taking my time to read this? Short answer is, I'm not sure myself. But first, let me introduce myself before this goes even further. Now I wont disclose everything about my personal life for privacy reasons, but I'll give you a brief idea of who is speaking. I'm a teenage-Hispanic-hormonal-girl, which should give you the assumption, that every thought and action throughout this book wont be ethical, just a heads up. 

Down to the reason this book exists is simple. I needed a safe haven, I wanted a place I can write down my thoughts and everything my brain goes through as I grow and develop, not saying this book will be out long but its fine I'm doing this for myself. Now if you're someone who happens to come across this journal-diary-book thing, hello, welcome, I hope we both are not here long. 

Now that I'm done introducing myself we'll get down to business. In the beginning I think we all understand the fact that many of us share the same thoughts. May or may not be wrong but I'm sure some of you do. This chapter is not just about getting to know who is writing this but the thought of who will I become. 

I wanted so much growing up, there was a point where I wanted to be a ballerina, can you believe that? I don't even like dancing.. Before I hear it, I get it, It was all because I was a child and children don't know everything. Now that's right I was a young child with no idea. No idea growing up held so much responsibility and finding myself.

Growing up in an Hispanic house hold meant all eyes were on you. Now I'm a middle child which makes things worse for me, I either get seen to much or not at all. In my case I got seen too much sometimes. My older sibling wasn't a scholar in particular but it didn't mean that the first child got it rough, in my house hold it meant the second oldest has to be better which laid upon me. Now academically I wouldn't say I was gifted, I was never given the chances as the kids who got to go to the cool smart classes or was in a gifted program. I want to say I was an average student. I never really had to try in elementary or middle school whatever I did always got an A or high B, a C here and there in middle school but that was in math, I was never good at math.

I remember in elementary whenever I would get a good grade my parents were so proud. I wonder what went wrong sometimes. But back to what I said about my older sibling not being a scholar, now they got their decent grades they're growing as am I and experiencing new things. They never really got it rough like I did is what I noticed growing up. It seemed like whatever they did, they were the golden child who did nothing wrong. Before you assume, there wasn't a huge age difference, couple of years not a lot. 

Now that they're out of school that leaves me. Everyone's focus is on me, what-will-I-do next? I think about that question everyday. Up until this point I've gotten the grades, I've gotten the test scores but it doesn't make anything better. No matter how good I do in school I still don't know where I am going, what I'm doing and who I will be. I try so hard and in the end I feel so empty. There's always someone better than I am, smarter than I am and overall a better person. It feels like I'm constantly in a shadow of people who I don't even know. 

I think the last time I heard someone say they were proud of me was when I got a perfect attendance award. I've burnt out since then, I used to like doing my work and reading. Heck I was writing fanfiction on here about a cat-man because I was so into writing. (check that out at your own risk) Where did the time go huh? I wanna blame it all on the pandemic, I really do but I think its more than that. I think mentally I finally checked out and everything that made me happy stopped. 

I'm the type of person who doesn't like change. I wish change didn't exist. I want to be that carefree kid I was long ago. I don't like what I've become, but change is inevitable. No matter how much I want that clock to stop it never will and we will grow older by the day and no one in the world can stop that. 

I don't know how I will change. I don't know who will come in and out of my life yet again. But wherever I end up is on me and my choices. I get the grades to become someone, I endure the stress and countless thoughts of giving up, all the crying and whining aren't getting me where I need to be. I want to be someone and I know it in my heart that I don't wanna go out like this. No matter what my family puts me through I end up doing it for them, for some reason. More importantly I do it for myself. 

If I find myself along the journey of growing up someday then yippie. If I don't then I guess we'll have to see where I went wrong. I don't believing in saying that things are impossible because in most cases they aren't. I may be lazy but I know what I do and don't have in me. Take some advice from a teenager, don't settle for less. Regardless of what it is, if you know you can do better then do it. Don't wait for someone to hand something to you because that will never happen. Be someone you would be proud of.

Again thank you for taking the time for reading this I understand not everyone will agree with what I have to say but writing this would help me grow and understand what I am feeling without having to tell someone to their face. like I said this is my safe haven when I have no one to turn to if one day I feel down you can expect me to be here. Thank you for reading <3