I remember the sound of your feet running back and forth on the linoleum. Scoping out and picking up anything in the house that you knew was yours. Clothes, pictures, ornaments, valuables. Stuffing my home into your dufflebag , as you set it by the door. You look at me like everything is okay. I guess that look is the hope i clung to for all the years that came, the hope that you would return. Before you left and after you and mom exchanged vile words, you came over to me and told me you loved me. I knew we were in pain as we exchange smiles. When you shut the door behind you my heart shattered to the floor. Ill never understand why i wasn't valuable enough to stick into your fucking duffllebag. I spent the next few months coming up with scenarios in my head on how you'd walk back into my life. I figured i wasn't worth a text or a call, cause you were too busy thinking of how to walk back into my life. Maybe ill have a "SURPRISE! Daddys back!" birthday party. Instead i spent my birthday party, blowing out candles on a 10$ cake from Walmart, wishing for a father. I watched my mom break, shatter, cry. I hate when people romanticize destruction, there's nothing beautiful about watching someone who was once happy want to die. I watched her walk a tight rope with suicide everyday. I got to the point where i was scared to wake her up in the morning, because i was afraid she wouldn't, i was afraid she wouldn't, i was AFRAID SHE WOULDNT. As the process of a broken home breaking more went on, i grew angrier and angrier. It was like everything just kept getting worse. I watched my sister bang her veins, leaving train tracks against her skin. I watched my mom blame herself for that. My grandma passed away 12/23/12, she meant the world to me. My mom blamed herself for that. I blame him for that. I blame him for everything, because he was suppose to be a dad. And what dad lets bad things happen? What dad lets their kin down?
I watched my mom slave over 2 jobs a day. My goal everyday was to put a smile on her face, most days she wouldn't, but my god, on the days she did i wanted to rip that smile off her face and put it in a jar and preserve it. I felt like she wasn't going to last.
3 years later, i finally realize that hes not coming back. It was like a window slowly slammed shut on my chest. I couldn't breathe.
I reminisce on the time when i asked you what a divorce was, you told me to worry about it cause it would never happened. But now you are gone, and I'm not prepared. You never taught me.
They say that fathers who leave their families are called deadbeat, but you're not dead, you're alive and happy with a new family, we are the ones who died.
