Detoxified

Chapter 9: Episode 7 - Part 2

A/N: ***Warning*** Panic attacks, references to Type's past and unintentional self-harm ahead. I will be putting these(***) before and after the scene that I think might be potentially triggering. But, be warned, if you skip that scene, you'll be losing out on a *lot* of the emotional impacts of this chapter, since there's a giant chunk of this chapter that's just pure panic attack, CSA and SH-related points. References to Type's past will be vague, but the other stuff(esp. The panic attack) is fairly graphic at times.

Two weeks. Two. Whole. Weeks. Since Type had flown back home to Pha Ngan for break.

Tharn was a bit ashamed to say it, but his anxieties and restlessness had been building exponentially since the day Type left. He'd never been separated from a boyfriend for longer than a week before, but it wasn't just the fact that Type had been gone for two weeks and would be gone for two more --it was the fact that their relationship was so new, and there hadn't been ample time to settle into it before Type left, that contributed so heavily to all these adverse feelings storming around in Tharn's chest.

The 'honeymoon phase' hadn't been completed yet, Tharn supposed.

He and Type had been frequently calling each other and talking over the phone since the beginning of break, and while that did help to temporarily rectify Tharn's anxiety, it did very little for him the moment the phones were hung-up.

Truthfully, Tharn had been holding himself back. A lot. He wanted to call and talk to Type more than once a day, but wouldn't that cause Type to be really annoyed with him? If Tharn were to try and call Type more than once a day, wouldn't that make Tharn overly exhausting and demanding to deal with?

That's what Lhong had always told him anyway--that if he showed his clingy tendencies, it would be off-putting and irritating to his boyfriends, and make them no longer want to be with him.

And that... Actually reminded Tharn of something he hadn't been willing to address or even look at since making it official with Type.

Reminded him of the fact that each and every single one of his previous relationships had failed because of him. After all, when he'd had as many relationships as he had, and all of them had ended in the same catastrophic manner, he had no choice but to believe that it was his fault.

Lhong would always reaffirm to him that there was nothing wrong with him; he just had an objectively incompatible personality to most people. Lhong had always accepted him the way he was, so... If at least Lhong could tolerate Tharn--flaws and incompatibilities and all--then surely that meant Tharn would be able to find and maintain a steady relationship with someone eventually, right?

Even so, Tharn wasn't about to destroy things before they even started with Type by ruining his vacation back home with incessant calls and needy demands for verbal affection.

Even if Tharn was craving that the most right now...

He didn't want to scare Type off, or make him think he'd made some huge mistake by entering a relationship with him.

Tharn would just have to suppress it all. That's the only way he'd be able to keep Type with him, right? Type was special; he made Tharn feel things he'd never felt before... And that just made it far more imperative for Tharn to wear an indifferent face--one that wouldn't reveal his ugly fear of abandonment or his desperate need for affection and affirmation.

Because Tharn knew, after being the cause of every friendship and relationship failure in his life, that it was his responsibility to make it all work. To make the necessary changes to keep the peace.