𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥 || 𝐝𝐧𝐟 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝

dearest george,

it's been a while since you've been gone.

tonight is another rainy day. rainy days are the days i hate the most. it's cold, loud, and a bitter reminder of how i'd lost you. how you chose to let me lose you because you thought it was better for me. i never got to tell you so many things. i never got to tell you that i wanted to run away for christmas this year. i never got to tell you that i got the sweater from your couch.

i read your last message to me every night before i go to sleep. 

i analyze it every night wishing i knew more about how you felt than you'd written. you were right, goodbyes never seem to say everything you want to say. i never knew how you truly felt when sapnap died. that felt like forever ago. i can't say i've moved on from yours and his death. some things hurt too much to ever forget, like a paperweight weighing your heart down. i've never felt lonelier than right now.

people who say living forever was a bad thing were right. watching everyone around you, watching all those who you love die leaves a hole in your heart that nothing can seem to fill up. i've tried everything, therapy, work, throwing myself into unnecessary hobbies. somehow, none of those things have made me move on from your death. i miss you more than ever. 

i was always one to busy myself so that i didn't have to think about the bad things. you were one of my biggest distractions, one of the few things keeping me happy when everything else was sad. i remember how staring into your eyes was enough to make me smile like an idiot. i remember you being picky about your outfits because you wanted to look normal yet presentable going out. dancing in the rain at the park, where i'd first told you i loved you.

what i said remains true. you matter to me more than anyone, i love you and will continue to love you forever.

now, there are thoughts i can't distract myself from. i always think about what life would be like if you hadn't leaped off of the building that one rainy day. i always think about how much worse it would have gotten if i hadn't met you and you hadn't found me. i can't stop thinking now, i can't stop replaying that night in my head. watching you slip away from my arms and off the building is all i can ever see.

these letters that never get sent to anyone are the only way i can cope with what happened. i miss you too much.

i love you so much, george. i love you more than anything. endless raindrops can't count how much i wish you were still here, in my arms. no amount of work, or rain or whatever can ever distract me from that fact.

say hi to sapnap for me.

rain was never as beautiful as we thought it was.

forever thinking about you, 

dream