Rant - LifeSucks2008

I

A few nights ago I would have thought that my fear of my father had gone away after being present for so long but if I had know what would happen soon I would say I was a fool.

 My father is a very large man and also strong, he has a temper that is hard to predict so I feel as though I have to be careful with what I say in order to not set him off, I constantly feel scared of him. My mother says that a child should not have to be afraid of their father, especially when he is not doing anything but talking, however with my family it's different. All of my siblings, minus my baby brother, are scared of my father. 

I feel as though I have to hide my sexuality from him because I'm not sure how he will act, and me being a young female feels scared not knowing what he will do once he finds out that I have a girlfriend who I have been dating for over 2 months now.

My father is a very big hypocrite, saying how we shouldn't swear or lie but lies everyday and swears like there is no tomorrow. He hates when we accidentally say a swear word in front of him and starts to yell at us when he is the one that has taught us this. Growing up we were always surrounded by people swearing and making rude gestures such as the middle finger, even going as far as knowing what sex was at the age of 7 and have adults openly talk about it in front of us and telling us how we should never have sex or we would have children and then being forced to say that we won't.

When I was about 8 years old my parents had a fight, a massive fight. I'm not sure what they were fighting about but it ended in my mother having a garage door shut on her, being locked out of the house for ages and having to freeze as it was night time and quite cold as well as three children crying and screaming for their father to stop. After a while my mother came back inside and had cried in the bathroom while me and my 2 sisters had to help her clean the scrapes and bruises she had gotten. By the end of the night me and my sisters were exhausted from crying and screaming so much but before we went to sleep my mother told me to not tell my auntie.

Just last night I found out that my fear of my father was never gone and that it was just hidden. I don't know if I will ever be able to not fear him.