deshita | y.ji

ten.

You woke up a mess this morning. Puffy eyes from all the crying, a hazy mind that knew what you had to do and why you woke up so early but a body so sore and lazy that you didn't feel like getting off the bed at all. The cold and semi-rainy weather did not help you with getting out of bed at all either, but you knew you had to.

Jeongin proposed that you two could take the bus to the train station while his family, along with the hand-carry luggage, could ride the taxi instead. His parents didn't protest much of the suggestion. They knew well what his intention was and they would be damned if they didn't let you two spend more alone time together before leaving Busan.

The idea that he was leaving never hit you. It was there, it has always been there, just lingering at the back of your head ever since he told you that he was moving. But you never acknowledged it, or at least you never paid attention to it. You always thought you had more time when you didn't. Even on the crowded bus ride and the short walk to the train station, you kept telling yourself that you have time with him because he hasn't left yet.

Then the storm came, which was when you approached the turnstile gate that only allowed people with tickets to cross, and you realized your time with him was up.

Jeongin felt you squeeze his hand as you stared motionlessly at the row of turnstiles. Beeping sounds of people inserting their tickets bounced off your ears, the chattering of strangers and family that walked past you two suffocated you. Your face was heating up from the impending departure, and you clutched Jeongin's hand tighter because you knew he's got to go. His parents were waiting for him. He's got to go.

This felt like a familiar situation, something straight out of a Japanese romantic comedy you forced him to watch just last week. Back then you two have still yet to be threatened by separation, and you wished things could have stayed that way.

Glancing at his worrisome expressions on his parents, then at the gates that opened and closed to separate people from one world to another, Jeongin felt easy. He went over this before already, countless times. He went over how he planned to leave you, which was with ease and a smile. He knew what to do. This has never happened before, but he knew what to do.

"I have to go now or else we'll miss the train," he mused as he turned to you, smiling.

You sighed in defeat and nodded. "Fine."

"I'll text you when we get there. I'll take pictures," he said, swinging your hands side-to-side, the movement so soft it was barely noticeable.

"Yeah, take pictures," you laughed, "Seoul is pretty."

"It is pretty," he whispered in agreement, his eyes softened at the pursing of your lips.

He was still in love with you, which was not a surprise. But he wondered why he confessed yesterday when he didn't have to, when he knew he would be rejected, when he was going to leave you at the end anyway? Why share his feelings if he knew the relationship would turn out this way—with separation and unrequited feelings?

"Don't linger around here and go home before it starts to rain," he reminded as he moved his hand up to pat your head, his palm gently stroking the side of your head.

Why, he thought? Well, it was only because of acknowledgment. It was only because he needed his love to go somewhere. All the affection and care he has accumulated over the years, all of them polished and prepared only for you. He needed a place for them to be, and where better to put them than in you, the person whom his love was specifically made for? You may never return it, but that was fine by him now as long as you would keep it.

You could even use it to amuse yourself if you so needed to. His job was done. Even if he left you, he wouldn't be lost anymore. His love found its place to live, and he could create new ones for other people.

"Oh, here, take this in case it gets cold!" He dropped his bag on the ground and proceeded to peel his coat off his shoulders. Instead of handing it to you, he took the liberty to drape it over your shoulders and let you wear it more easily. After claiming his things once again, he took a deep breath and he smiled. "Don't worry about giving it back to me. I have your hoodie in one of my boxes so consider this even."

You deadpanned at him for a second, your eyes shifting to the side in question. "Which one?"

"Does it matter? You have so many hoodies."

"Jeongin, you know they are all my precious babies."

"I gave you my favorite coat!" He exclaimed as he jabbed his finger at you, feigning anger. "This is even!"

You sighed with a small smile as you tugged the coat closer to yourself. You wanted to glare at him, but you opted to grace him with all the kind expressions you could offer at this time.

"Are you going to be okay?" He asked softly then, clutching his bag.

"If I say no, will you stay?" You asked, tilting your head playfully.

Jeongin thought for a while when he already knew the answer. "Yes, so please say you are."

You giggled with a nod. "Yeah, I'm going to be fine. I'll text you when I get home."

And that was it. That was your goodbye. You two smiled at each other. There was no wave, no farewell, just a short smile and he turned to approach his family. You clutched the button hem of the coat as you watched his back and breathed, smiling whenever he turned around to glance at you until the escalator took him away.

You looked around the busy train station, feeling slightly lost for the first time without Jeongin being only a few steps away. Mindlessly, you fiddled with the buttons and frowned when you found an empty space on top.

Glancing down, you breathed out a gentle laugh when you saw a missing first button on the coat. What a fraud, and he told you he thought the button thing was stupid! Your laugher dimmed into a smile when you turned around and finally left, the image of Jeongin twirling the black button between his fingers on his seat a calming sight for you.

His coat. The first button being himself was gone. The second along with the rest of the buttons, all of them a precious space of his big heart were all here with you, and they were all yours.

END