Ang Internet Love ay Hatdog

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PROLOGUE:

Alam ni Marijo na hindi maganda ang madala sa internet, pero kung hindi sa kalikutan ni Google, baka hindi niya mabigyang-pangalan ang nararamdaman niya sa past three months.

Marijo concluded she was depressed.

Sa una'y akala niya normal lang. Tapos hindi niya alam kung saan nanggaling. The loss of energy. The insomnia. She forgets the time sometimes, what day it was-minsan 24 hours went by in the blink of an eye. It came along with the sudden aggression directed at everyone and waking up at dawn just to cry. When was the last time she rose from this spot? She wanted to prove everyone else wrong, but it seemed like everything they said was right.

Ginusto niyang matawa. Tama sila, nilulumot na siya.

Now Marijo knew na masama ang magpa-diagnose sa Google (that much she knew from Twitter) pero wala na talaga siyang maisip na ibang mapangalan. She wasn't clinically diagnosed, as if her parents believed in therapy. Wala naman talaga siyang magawa, either way.

She just had to deal with it.

She just had to deal with it today, 12:22 AM.

Her lights were still on, notes for online school spread out by her feet. Ilang beses niyang tinitigan ang modules sa araw na 'yon, pero wala pa ring nagawa. Nakasandal ang ulo niya sa headboard, nakatitig sa kisame. Mahapdi ang mga mata.

Maybe she had too much time in her hands.

"Tangina," impit na bulong niya, face crumpling while patting her chest.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Tumayo siya para patayin ang ilaw. Sa dilim, humiga siya at tinadyak ang mga papel sa bandang paanan. Narinig niya ang pagkahulog ng mga ito sa sahig at sinarado ang mga mata. Binuksan niya ulit. Sana itapon nalang siya ng pamilya niya. Wala siyang silbi. Wala siyang mararati—

She rolled over. Kailangan na niyang matulog.

But it felt so . . .

Lonely.

Ramdam niya ang pagbigat ng paghinga niya. She buried her face on the pillow. Ayaw niyang umiyak, pero parang 'di niya mapigilan. Ayaw na niyang mag-isip. Nakakalason. Nakakalason. Nakakalunod. Parang unti-unti siyang sinasakal.

She rolled over. Maybe she just needed someone to talk to.

Biglang nabahiran ang madilim na kuwarto ng mahinang asul na ilaw. She took her phone on the windowsill beside her and turned her alarm off. Sa pagsanay niya ng procrastination, may alarm siya bawat oras, 24/7 on the clock.

Marijo quit the Clock app and stared at her wallpaper. Matagal na niyang 'di napalitan iyon. Maroon and white, logo ng dream school niya na malamang wala na siyang pagkakataong mapasukan. Wala e. She spent years dreaming, but she had to accept that she was just an average person living as an average student with average grades. Pero yung tipong unti-unting nasisiraan ng bait.

Tangina bakit ka ba kasi ganito, Maria Jovana?

Kailangan niya talaga ng kausap. Pero sino? Bawat miyembro ng pamilya niya, problemado. Kahit emotional burden, ipapasa niya sa kanila? Wow, linta pa nga sa bahay, kuto pa. Grabe na ang pagiging parasite niya, dalawang species na.

On the verge of crying, Marijo clicked Google and typed the words: chat with strangers.

She clicked the first thing that popped up. E-strangers. The site required a username. YoMarina, she filled out. Agad namang tumunog ang isang notification. Binuksan niya ang mensahe.

B0redtayo:

Hi

Bago pa siya maka-reply, bigla na namang nag-notif. Sunod-sunod. Marijo skimmed past all the messages (na puro hi ang laman) at unti-unting rineplyan ang lahat ng 'hi' ng katumbas nitong 'hello'. Her mind got busy.

Kailangan niya lang ng kausap.

This was better than crying in the dark.