Unloveable

2

TW: Panic attacks, OCD, substance use

Radley

Em and I were coming home from a long mental breakdown. It was always good to get out of the house and spend some time with her, but coming home at night was pretty rough for me. As soon as Emily got out of the car and left me alone, my thoughts started racing.

I knew I had to get back home quick. I was doing at least 20 over the speed limit before taking a sharp right down my street, and banging another right into my driveway. I threw the car in park and sat in the dim car lights for a second, hoping I could calm down for a second before I walked into the house.

After a couple deep breaths, trying to regain control of my thoughts, I got out of the car and headed inside. The lights were off, so hopefully I wouldn't run into anyone. I took the steps two at a time to get to my room at the end of the hall. I was getting so hot. I felt the sweat on my back begin to gather, and my face was flushed. My hands were so clammy, which always icked me out. I locked my bedroom door behind me and sat on my bed, blindly reaching under my pillow for the bag. I had 5 weed gummies left, so I popped one in my mouth. 

Listen, I know it's a bad coping mechanism, but it's fine just ignore it. I only had to wait about 20 minutes until I could feel the effects, but it was always the longest 20 minutes of my life. The urges became irresistible, so I started pacing in hopes that would distract my brain a little bit. 

Spoiler: it never does. 

I started biting my nails. It never felt just right. I squeezed my fingers until it felt just right. I bit my lip until it felt just right. I blinked until it felt just right. I clenched my jaw until it felt just right. I did everything until it was just right. Eventually, I felt the drowsiness begin to kick in. My heart started to slow down a little bit, and my breathing was back on track. I opened the bag again and bit another edible in half, knowing that one would put me to sleep for a little bit. While I was waiting for the inevitable unconsciousness to take over me, I snapped Carter, Molly, and Emily back. Carter immediately knew something was off, and even though I always tell him not to ask what's wrong, he does anyway. It's annoying. 

Carter: Whats wrong

Radley: nothing its fine

Carter: No tell me Rads

Radley: in the nicest way possible its not ur problem. don't wanna put this shit on u. its not urs to carry

Carter: that's a dumb answer

I knew it was a dumb answer. He doesn't understand that I won't tell anyone about this. I should be able to control my own thoughts and actions, but I can't. Why would I tell someone that? 

...

I shot up in bed in a cold sweat. Jess.

I practically ran to her room, flinging the door open without bothering to knock. My eyes frantically swept over her bed, studying her body for any signs of movement. It felt I was standing there waiting forever, but I didn't see her move at all. 

Panic swept over me. I need to save her. 

I hopped on her bed, grabbing her face with my hands. She looked peaceful. How can she be so peaceful?

My heart was pounding out of my chest. I was tapping her face, praying it would wake her up. 

"Please, come on Jess," I begged, my actions becoming more frantic. 

I pulled her body up, shaking her shoulders. She had her eyes closed, and her mouth looked like it was resting in a smile. 

Calmly, she opened her eyes. 

"You can't save me this time Rads."

...

I jolted awake, out of breath and sweaty. I was shaking uncontrollably as I reached for my phone.

It's just another nightmare, everything is fine.

It's 3 am. I got about 4 hours of sleep, just like normal. Knowing I wouldn't be falling back asleep, I got out of bed to get some water. I stopped at the top of the stairs, looking at Jess' room. I knew I shouldn't just walk in there, but I wanted to make sure everything was okay. I needed to make sure. I tried my best to walk silently down the hallway but I managed to step on every creaky floorboard. 

Slowly, I turned her doorknob, pushing open the door just enough for me to peak in. She fell asleep watching Netflix, so her face was lit up by the laptop screen a little bit. 

I watched her inhale, and just for good measure I watched her inhale again. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, and a bit of relief washed over me. 

Not a lot, but enough to shut her door.