Smart Decisions

Part 3

~Rob's perspective~

The water is cool and soothing, and there's nobody else in the pool. I dive down, letting the calming noise of being under water clear my thoughts.

I'll have to stay in the same room with Jesse, my ex, the first man to cheat on me. And I can't leave, because I need Berardo's sympathy. I don't know if Jesse needs it as well, but he also didn't seem keen on leaving.

The water breaks over my head, I wipe the water out of my eyes. The ceiling has an interesting fresco. It's a story that I don't recognize, but it's painted beautifully. I swim around on my back for a little bit, admiring the artwork.

I still don't know what to do. I don't feel ready to forgive, but it's hard to forget all of the moments we had before. So many times I wished we would see eye to eye again, even just as friends, just because I missed his presence.

And even when I was around him now, even as anger was still rushing through my veins, he still helped me feel calm. The hotel room already felt more like home than any other just because he was there. Even though I didn't want to, I still had feelings for him. And feelings about him.

I open my eyes to the blue, silent world, the reflection of the surface drawing beautiful patterns on the tiles. It's so calming to see everything move, for everything to feel so silent and frozen, but everything is still moving. It feels like time doesn't exist underwater, just the slow rhythmic pattern of the light being reflected, just the absolute silence. The only time that counts is how long you can hold your breath.

How much time does it take to heal from a broken relationship. Was three years enough? And how far could you go after three years? How long does it take to be able to forgive someone for breaking everything down? How much time does it take to forgive yourself?

Because in between the pain that both of the men I thought I loved caused, there was a tiny bit of guilt. Could I still be mad at Jesse if I wanted the same thing? I too thought about returning to my ex. Even though I didn't act upon yet, I did have to restrain myself. And I also moved back to my ex within a week. Should I have taken more time to get over the heartbreak I endured? 

And how much of my anger was still directed at Jesse? Jesse and I already started off with the sense of doom, he already told me that he sometimes wished for his old life. He at least had the guts to tell me what he did, he at least realise how wrong he was didn't try to make up more excuses after he told me what he did.

And Sjoerd asked me to get back with him. He initiated a relationship that was built upon the premise of a long relationship. But instead he was the one who threw it away for a doomed relationship. He threw it away just like I did. And he didn't even admit it, he kept denying anything happening, even though I'd already heard him before I went inside.

The street stones are radiating the heat of the sun, the straps of my backpack stinging my shoulders. I look up at the white building in front of me, white curtains flowing out of the window that I remember looking out of.

My fingers are fishing the keys I received from the landlord out of my pocket, excited for the time coming. I can't even imagine how thrilled he must be when he sees me in his house. I've missed him so much, and I could not imagine he didn't feel the same.

I do not have to figure out which key is for the main door, a nice man holds the door open. I smile at him, not knowing how quickly that smile will be wiped of my face.