I was driving and suddenly no longer had anywhere to go. She didn't want me their I was no help to her. As the tears fell from my bloodshot eyes I drove on with no real destination. Without trying I ended up some place familiar my happy place. The woods. I start my trek down the pavement path trying to steer clear of any oblivious drivers turning the corner. They won't stop for me and I honestly don't care if they didn't. My mind does that. It flip flops one minute I wish I was dead and the next I have way too much to love for. It always comes down to family and what's best for them not what is best for myself. I'm getting off track again. I'm walking down the pavement path where I finally reach the bridge. The same bridge I debate jumping off of every time I cross it. Not like the other kids who do it for the thrill and good time. No me I'm special I would do it for a while nothing set of demons. One being the demon that seems to anchor me down in the water to the point where a normal swim stroke that easy for any kid in swim lessons is impossible for me. I made it over the bridge today without jumping. That's an accomplishment. I didn't go to my normal spot. The one I frequent with my friends. I wasn't looking for fun today. I actually had no idea what I was looking for. I decided to let the universe do the leading. God knows anything is better than my sense of direction. I stay close to the water as usual, it's the place I feel most grounded. I walk down the dusty hill waiting to see whether the branches I use as my make shift stairs or my flip flops will give out on me first. Neither do. I find a new spot a spot of my own. The water flows gently down the river far enough from the waterfall I don't have to worry about reaching. Instead of dirt there are tiny islands of sand giving it a beach like impression. A large piece of concrete jets out making a perfect bridge over a stream. Next is a place to sit. My first instinct is the sewage man hole presenting itself like the perfect alter. The pungent smell of human waste changed my mind. Not far from it there is an old rotting tree that I decide will be my bench. It's peaceful here. Dragon flies and butterflies surround me, I believe they are my ancestors that called me here. They knew what I needed. A place just my own to just be selfish. Something I rarely get to do. I don't like to manipulate people or beg for attention, but I frequently find myself testing people's loyalty. Something my mind has already unconsciously decided we are doing today. Let's see if anyone notices I'm gone. I have parents who love me, friends that apparently cherish our friendship, and even a roomate that normally never leaves my side. Yet none have noticed a thing. That's because no one needs anything at the moment. If they don't need anything I don't get calls or texts or really even acknowledged. But the second I fail to help someone else I'm not ok. It's really funny how that works. Humans are the most selfish species on the planet I've come to realize. And the sooner everyone realizes that the better of they will be.
