what could have been

Chapter one

"LOVE ME WON'T YOU"

I stood in the middle of the café, not sure where to sit seeing that all the good seats next to the windows are occupied. I looked at my husband who was waiting for me to decide, his beautiful smile looking a bit wider than it has in the past months. Although I found it all weird and unusual, I did not want to ruin our little lunch and dinner dates with questions. 'Would you rather we found another café?," he asked me. He looked at his watch and returned his gaze on me again. What was this? Why did it feel so foreign to have my husband so close to me and caring this much. I smiled and shook my head, I knew he had to meet a few clients, even as an established photographer he still overworked like he did not have employees. He always says that he feels incomplete when he is not holding his camera, that it is pointless to breathe and waste oxygen if he is not doing any justice to the world. "That won't be necessary, how about we grab some sandwiches and eat them on our way to the park?" I asked, he nodded his head in agreement, he lightly kissed my forehead and led us to the counter.

"Good afternoon what would you like to have today?," said the young man on the other side of the counter, Jake it said on his name tag. "I would love an avocado and bacon toast please, how about you love?" my husband asked. "Can I have the same please," I said to jake, he gave me a small smile and a nod. "Would that be all?" he asked. "Can we also have two iced coffees? One with almond milk", Simon said. He forgot that I told him how I wanted to lay off from coffee for a while. I did not want to ruin the day by complaining, he has not given me this much attention in years. We have been married for six years, three of those years were a delight I was so happy, and everything was going perfect in my life. The other half was slow and dreadful, it felt as if I was a miserable single woman who had no direction in life. I still feel like that, but it has been better in the past week. One Sunday he came back from work breathless and wet from the rain, I could smell the alcohol in his breath. He sat on the couch next to me, he told me that he had a gig at a wedding, and it reminded him of our wedding day and how happy he was that day. Since then, we have been going out on dates and talking more, I wasn't complaining but I thought about what he said, about how it was the best day of his life. Every time before I close my eyes and fall asleep, I ask myself, was it the best day of my life?

Jake handed us our food and drinks, the small smile on his lips growing wider whenever we say thanks. We walked out and headed towards the park, Simon's next gig was next to the park, and I knew that he appreciates me offering for us to have our lunch there. "so what are you going to do after this?," he asked me and took a bite of his toast. "Pretty much nothing, I was thinking of looking for more jobs today" I said, he gave me a nod and continued to enjoy his sandwich. I wanted a job so badly; anything would be good. Although I had a degree in microbiology, I realized two years into my job that I hated the field. I only worked for two more years because my husband needed some startup capital for his business, he would always promise me that I was not going to regret it. But I did, this business took him away from me, he comes back late at night and leaves early in the morning. This business was the perfect excuse for him to ignore me and any problem that I lay to the table. 'Can we discuss this in the morning?' he would ask, even though he knew that he would be out of the apartment as early as four am. I gave up trying to discuss our marriage a long time ago, and he knows it. He knows that I have given up, that I would be happy with whatever decision he takes about our relationship.

After a few minutes of walking in dead silence and a few awkward smiles from my husband, we reached our destination. I could already see his assistant Sarah setting up their equipment, every time I see her, she has a new hair color. She saw us and waved, I smiled and waved back. I looked up at my husband, a few breadcrumbs on the corner of his mouth. I chuckled and wiped it off with my thumb, he pulled me closer and gave me a kiss on the cheek. When was the last time we made out? I cannot remember. "See you at home babe" he said, with one last forced smile he jogged towards Sarah and their setup. I do not even know what this shoot was about, I have not asked about work for a while now. I looked at the sandwich on my hand and the iced coffee that is going to give me major diarrhea later.

When I got to the apartment the first thing, I did was to look through the fridge and see if we have all the ingredients, I need to prepare dinner. I hardly cooked because no one would eat the food, it would sit in the fridge, while the apartment would get flooded with pizza boxes. One of the reasons why I gained a few pounds, I felt heavy. I think its best I just go out and buy some ingredients and make some simple garlic pasta. I remember a time where I loved cooking, I would cook for myself and a few of my friends. Go out and deliver the food to their dorm rooms. I think it would do me good to try and prettify myself to go the market downstairs, I mean I am not going anywhere far but it would help my confidence. With determination I looked through our closet, searching for a specific skirt and shirt. When I found it, I already had an idea of how good I will look in it. I decide to end the look with a nice black leather jacket and some platform boots. I looked like my age; twenty-six years old. I smiled at my reflection, I decided to untie my hair and let it flow gently on my shoulders. It obviously needed a trim and some dye, but I looked and felt great, reminds me of when I would always make a fuss about what to wear when I met up with Simon for dinner.

I sometimes wonder if I became too comfortable that I forgot to put in any effort into how I looked and smelled. That drove my husband away, I was overworked and had to come home to a dirty house and a hungry husband. His defense was that he spent the entire day outside looking for cheap studios to rent, he would give me a frown and follow it with a 'I didn't find neither a studio or a client, I really don't want to give up on this dream,' he would say this, and I would feel terrible for him. I was too understanding, I was in love and did not want to lose him to something so small like cooking dinner for us.

I sprayed on some cologne and left the apartment, I felt so sexy.