That Night

Chapter 1: The Studious Ones

Hands clutch at my hips as they swing back and forth to the beat of the music. Fingers dance against the slim strip of skin between my jeans and my top. Hot breath creeps up my neck until the soft puffs of warm air reach my ear and a voice whispers,

"Anna? Anna!"

My head snaps away from the window and out of the memories from winter break. From the look on Mr. Monroe's face I'd missed some question he had just asked.

"Sorry can you repeat the question?"

"No. Jessica, can you tell us the anti-derivative of sin x?"

Snickers and giggles dance around me, but since it is the beginning of my second semester senior year, I find myself not caring. Besides Mr. Monroe has always been a dick and if embarrassing a 17 year old girl makes him feel better about himself then have at it. I wouldn't want to get in the way of his mental health.

As perfect and annoying Jessica Sanders practically shouts the right answer I open a web browser on my computer and log on to Facebook. When my school first announced freshman year that laptops would become a mandatory necessity in the classroom, I was pissed off. I had to pay $1,500 on top of a high tuition for a piece of crap computer. After three years I now see them as an opportunity. I can shop online and Facebook stalk whenever I feel like it. I scroll down my newsfeed until I land on pictures from that night. Perfect and annoying Jessica is also known as party girl Jessica. Every winter break since freshman year she throws a party since her parents are in Aspen. As I look at pictures from that night I can't help but drift back into that memory.

"Anna lets go, you’re riding with me" I hop into the passenger seat of Riley's Jeep as she cranks up the music.

"I don't fuck with you! You little stupid as bitch I ain't fucking with you!" Riley and I are avid feminists and don't really approve of girls being called bitches and hoes. It is degrading, but we also can't resist a catchy song that makes us feel like we could fuck up the world. So with a little bit of guilt in the back of our minds we belt,

"Bitch I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do!"

As we turn down Jessica's street we see teens getting out of their cars and trekking up the long driveway past the gate to Jessica's front door. Riley stops the jeep and parks behind a black BMW that looks kind of familiar. Riley turns to me and places both hands on my shoulders pulling me face to face with her.

"Listen, Anna. I know we don't usually go to parties. We're the studious ones, the ones who actually give a shit about our grades, but this is our one chance every year to party. So please don't mope in the corner this year. We waxed our eyebrows, we bought new clothes, we're about to walk a fucking mile up Jessica's driveway to even get to this party. So please, let's just dance with hot guys and have fun!"

Without giving me a chance to respond Riley jumps out of her car and bounces towards the party. I took a few deep breaths and follow her into the night.

I can’t remember much else from that night. Like Riley told me to I had fun. I drank a lot, danced with cute boys and apparently blacked out for the first, and hopefully last time. I don’t like feeling out of control. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, like free falling in space. You fall through the darkness knowing there are spectacular and horrible things around you, but you never know where you’re going to land.

But I can’t worry about that night anymore. I have to move on and accept the fact that I will never regain those memories. So, as Mr. Monroe assigns us homework I shut my laptop and leave. Riley waits outside of the door and we both make our way to our lockers. Riley, Jane, my other best friend, and I all have lockers next to each other. We have been best friends since sixth grade and were determined to stay friends throughout high school. Even if we don’t take the same classes we can at least see each other every day at our lockers.

“I just don’t understand how you don't think he's hot. Sure, he's thirty, but Bellamy's all manly and rugged. And his voice! I mean his real voice is gross, but in the show it's just so hot." As Riley continues to gush about Bellamy, a character from her favorite TV show, Jane finally shows up. 

"The 100?" 

"Jane, you really have to start it, it's so good." 

"Maybe over spring break who knows." 

Riley starts talking about her second favorite subject, Reign. Now this is a topic Jane could get excited about. Both of them had dressed as characters for Halloween this year. I hadn’t kept up with the show since end of the first season, so I take the opportunity to open my locker and grab my AP French books. Just as I am about to slam my locker shut and head to class, I notice a stark white envelope taped to the inside of the metal door. This is kind of creepy, no one except for Riley and Jane know my locker combination.

“Hey did you guys put this in my locker?” Both heads immediately swivel towards the envelope and shake their heads.

“No…”

“Weird. You didn’t give anyone my locker combo did you?”

Jane says, “No of course not.” Riley also denies giving it out. While I am skeptical and frankly a little scared, both Riley and Jane look like they are about to explode. Riley is the first to break.

“This is so exciting! Omg it’s like a YA novel, but for real! You’re gonna open the letter, it’s gonna be some secret admirer. From a nerd too afraid to talk to you, a jock worried about his reputation or maybe a bad boy who doesn’t want anyone to know he has a sensitive side!”

“Yaaaaas that’s exactly what I was thinking! Open it, open it! If you don’t I will!”

“Jeez ok, ok.”

 I roll my eyes and rip the envelope from the door. I open the seal and read.

Hey Anna,

I just wanted to say I had a really good time at Jessica’s party. You were amazing. You are amazing. I can’t stop thinking about you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since freshman year. It feels like I’ve wanted you forever and that night I felt like you wanted me too. Then I saw you with that other guy and I wasn’t so sure anymore. We’ve always been pretty close, but I’m just not sure you see me that way.

I feel like there’re two sides of me. The side that pretends we’re just friends and the side that knows we could be so much more. I want you to see that second side of me and this way you can. I don’t want you to know who I am. I don’t want you to like me just because you know how I feel. I’m right here, right in front of you.

By now you know I have your locker combination, but you gave it to me freshman year one day to drop off some notes (don’t worry I’m not some creepy stalker). I know how I feel about you already, but I want to get to know the real Anna. The one you don’t let others see. So if you’re interested leave me notes taped to the inside of your locker and I’ll find them. I really hope you do.

-Your Secret Admirer