Be a Leader: How To Change People
PART FOUR
Principle 1 : Begin with praise and honest appreciation
It’s much easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve been praised for our good points. That’s why the first step to changing people without offending them is to begin with appreciation for their strengths.
For example, if a colleague writes a speech for a conference that we feel is too lengthy or inappropriate for that particular audience, we might start by complimenting her speech and noting that it would make for a great blog post.
We could point out a few reasons it would be better suited for a written post than a speech, but chances are that even from our first mention, she’ll come to realize our point. Because we told her it would be a great fit for something else, she’s not offended that we thought it was a bad fit for the conference.
"Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain kills the pain."
DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 1:
The key is an age-old technique called a 'criticism sandwich.' When you're going to offer negative feedback, start with a compliment. Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, part ways with another positive compliment.
As Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and New York Times best-selling author, puts it, "It’s amazing what a little positive at the beginning and end can do."
Principle 2 : Call to people's mistake indirectly.
Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we’re looking to change people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply changing one three-letter word can be our key to success.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and their critical statement. For example, a parent trying to convince her son to care more about his school work might say, “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester.But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would’ve done even better.”
In this case, Billy might feel encouraged right up until he hears the word “but,” which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word “but” makes it seem like the praise was only a contrived lead-in to his mother’s criticism.
However, this situation could easily be reversed by changing the word “but” to “and.” See how different it sounds: “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others.”
Now it’s much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because there was no follow-up with direct criticism.
Practice Principle 2:
Start swapping “but” for “and” when you deliver critical feedback, to help you frame it in a positive and uplifting way, instead of inferring failure and disapproval.
Principle 3 : Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
The next step to changing people’s ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes.
