The Napoleonic Wars Fictional Short Story (Funny)

The Battle of Trafalgar

The year was 1805. In France, there is a French emperor but actually, Corsican named Napoléon Bonaparte. He was sitting at a table eating his baguette while planning to invade Britain with his Admiral named Pierre-Charles Villeneuve, so he said to Villeneuve to go to the coast of Spain to gather their Spanish allies then head off to Britain, so Villeneuve did as he was told and went to the coast of Spain and gather the allied Spanish to his fleet and anchor his ship at a port near Cadiz. Meanwhile, in Britain, King George III was told that Napoléon is planning to invade, so he went to speak with a famous British Admiral with the name, Admiral Horatio Nelson. He said to Nelson that he's a great warrior, a great sailor, though he has been through all sorts, such as seasickness, malaria, etc, and asked if he went to Corsica before and Nelson replied that he did go to Corsica before and lost an eye. King George also asked if Nelson went to Santa Cruz de Tenerife and Nelson said he had a lovely holiday there in Tenerife and managed to lose his right arm there due to the Dutch or Spanish and a battle and he points to his missing arm. Then the King said that they have to do something about this and also said the French, they are little froggies who eat baguettes and Nelson said that he'll do something about it, then asked King George if he can bring his mate, Thomas Hardy with him and George III said: "Yeah, bring whatever and whoever you want." So Nelson and Hardy board the flagship HMS Victory and sail to Cape Trafalgar. Meanwhile, in a port where Villeneuve was anchored, Villeneuve ordered his fleet to sail to Cape Trafalgar, so an hour later, he arrived at Cape Trafalgar and anchored his fleet there. Three hours later, Villeneuve sails out of the port and saw English ships in the distance and ordered his ships back to port but end up in a line due to lack of training, while Nelson orders his fleet to two columns, the HMS Royal Sovereign under command of another of Nelson's mates, Cuthbert Collingwood is in command of one column while Nelson is in command of another of the column. While they're sailing, Nelson said to his signal officer named Lieutenant John Pasco, "Mr. Pasco, I wish to say to the fleet. 'England Confides That Every Man Will Do His Duty'. You must be quick, for I have one more to make which is for close action." And Pasco asked, "If your Lordship will permit me to substitute confides with expects the signal will soon be completed, because the word expects is in the vocabulary, and confides must be spelt." And Admiral Nelson replies, "That will do, Pasco, make it directly." Pasco walked off to raise the signal, Thomas Hardy saw that Nelson is wearing lots of medals and was concerned about it because it'll make Nelson a good target for sharpshooters, so Hardy asked Nelson, "Do you know that there are sharpshooters up on the riggings?" Nelson replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" Hardy said, "Do you think it's wise to wear the decorations and medals in battle? It'll make you a good target." Nelson replied to his friend, "I won them in battle, didn't I? So I wear them." Hardy was like, "Fair enough." Then an hour after watching his sailors and marines getting ready for battle, Nelson got bored and decided to play a game of Battleships with Hardy. While Nelson and Hardy were playing Battleships, his first column of British ships under the command of the HMS Royal Sovereign was first to engage in battle with the Franco-Spanish fleet. Then after a while, Nelson's fleet column engaged with the French flagship "Bucentaure" and another French ship named "The Redoutable." The Victory went under heavy fire and she was severely damaged, Victory managed to take the Bucentaure out of the battle and that means that Villeneuve surrendered, but Victory still has to fight the Redoutable, while his men are fighting, Horatio Nelson and Thomas Hardy are STILL playing Battleships, then an hour or two, Nelson gets shot square in the left shoulder by a French sharpshooter in the mid of playing the game of Battleships. Nelson said to Hardy, "Something doesn't feel right." And Hardy asked, "My Admiral, what's wrong, Nelson?" Nelson replied, "My back has been shot through." And Hardy was like, "Oh no, I have to take you downstairs to the orlop deck so Beatty can examine the wound. I also told you that wearing medals into battle is a bad idea." So he took Nelson down to the orlop deck to see Sir William Beatty and put Nelson down on the chair. Beatty asked, "What happened my Admirals?" Nelson replied, "So while I was playing a game of Battleships, in the midway through. A full-on war. For some reason, I got shot straight in the left shoulder and I think I'm might be going to die." So William Beatty examined the wound and he said, "The wound looks very bad, I think that you are going to die, but first let me take the bullet out." Beatty takes out the bullet while Hardy watches and cringes. Then Beatty said, "I'll be right back, I have other sailors to take care of. Hardy keep a lookout on Nelson while I'm gone." And Hardy replied, "Okay." So Beatty left and Hardy sat next to Nelson, who is right now utterly in pain, an officer came down and said, "My Admiral Nelson, sir, 11 of the enemy ships has surrendered." And Nelson replied to the officer, "I've bargained for 20 ships to surrender." The officer said, "Yes sir." And he went up the stairs, back to battle. After that Nelson looks up at Hardy saying that he's going to die. He also told Hardy to anchor the fleet since he feared that one of his ships would blow up and take care of Lady Hamilton and don't dump him in the sea after when he died then Nelson said, "Kiss me, Hardy." So Hardy cups Nelson's head and hands and leans to kiss him on the lips and Nelson was like, "Oi, the heck you doing?" Hardy replied, "You said to me to kiss you, so I thought you want a kiss on lips." And Nelson said, "Bruh, of course not, just on the forehead, please." So Hardy kissed his forehead and Nelson said, "God bless you, Hardy." And Nelson died horribly and in pain. Meanwhile, in the battle, The Victory was very severely damaged and couldn't move and the crew of the Redoutable was about to board her, but HMS Temeraire comes and saves the damaged Victory. A total win for the British after all the Franco-Spanish ships surrendered. Later, Nelson had a funeral set up for him and many Britons came to pay their respect to the fallen Admiral. Back in France, a French officer came up to Napoléon and said, "The combined fleet has been destroyed." And Napoléon was like, "What!? How is that possible?!" And the officer replied, "It was Nelson!" Napoléon yelled, "Now I will never invade Britain!" And the officer mumbled, "For the next two centuries." Napoléon asked, "What?" And the officer said, "Nothing." And he leaves. 

Remember kids, never mess up with the Royal Navy.