Only Outlet

"Ben needs better coping mechanisms," said the bitch who's coping mechanisms are also really fucking unhealthy (aka me).

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Third Person's P.O.V.

The lights of the city gradually faded the further Ben got away from the heart of Bellwood. His hair flowed in the wind that poured in from his open car window. He occasionally wrapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove. Sure, Ben could've transformed into Astrodactyl, Jetray or any of his other aliens that can fly to get to his destination quicker but he deemed driving as the better option. It was much more therapeutic to drive there than to fly.

Soon, Ben slowed his car to a stop and parked just off the main road. He wound up his window and stepped out. Taking a deep breath of the cool night air as he stretched a bit. Ben sighed as he exhaled. With a light push, the car door shut behind him and he began walking away from his vehicle. Ben pointed his car keys behind him and pressed the button to lock the car. The headlights flashed twice as an indication it was indeed locked.

Ben shoved his car keys into one of his sweatpants' pockets and continued walking towards his destination. The breeze slowly picked up and his hair swayed in tandem with it. The stars overhead dimly lit the way as Ben trudged on. His hands nestled in the pocket of the oversized hoodie he only wore on occasions such as this. Sand faintly crunched beneath his sneakers with each step forward. Other than that, there was no noise. It was rather quiet.

But not for much longer.

Once the main road was nothing more than a speck in the distance, Ben stopped. The brunette stared up at the sky for a few moments. The twinkling of the stars reflecting in his green eyes. He soon shut them tightly and took a deep, shaky breath. Trying to rid his mind of the thoughts that ran wild within. That didn't help in the slightest. It never has.

Ben knew that it wouldn't help. He's been met with the same result every single time he comes out here, which was slowly becoming every night as of late. Despite that, he still tries it. Silently hoping that it would work at some point. Even if it only provided temporary relief from the madness that are his more... unpleasant thoughts.

These thoughts almost constantly tormented him. They reminded Ben about things he would rather forget. Things like the memories of past failures. The immense feeling of guilt and crippling self-doubt that came with the aftermath of said failures. How mediocre Ben feels in comparison to others in his line of work. Every single one of his shortcomings as a person.

It was agonizing.

Ben's eyes brimmed with tears when he opened them. A singular tear soon fell. It slid down his face and created a small wet spot where it landed on his hoodie. That tear was soon followed by another. Then another and another in quick succession as Ben slowly sank to his knees. He clawed up clumps of sand in his hands as they balled into shaky fists at his sides. His head hung low as more tears fell into the desert sand below. Ben's lips quivered as if he was about to open his mouth and say something. He did open his mouth but he didn't say anything.

He screamed.

It was a loud scream filled with anguish and utter despair. Ben allowed himself to fall forward, barely catching himself on his hands before he screamed again. Somehow louder and more emotionally charged than the first. His right fist harshly pounded into the sand over and over. Some of the grainy substance finding its way into Ben's hair and all over his attire.

Ben's pained cries echoed into the night. Each wail that left him more heartbreaking than the last. In between shrieks, and sometimes in the midst of one, sobs wracked Ben's body. Tears fiercely streamed down his face as well as snot from his nose. Ben occasionally rubbed his sand covered sleeve on his face in an attempt to clear away the buildup only for it to be quickly replaced as his fit of hysterics continued.

This fit went on for what seemed like hours. In reality, Ben only went on for roughly thirty minutes. Expressing everything he was feeling through distressed yells, sobbing violently and making quite a mess of the sand beneath him. Ben screamed and screamed until his throat was raw. His right hand darted up to hold it as he coughed at how sore it felt.

Once his coughs subsided, Ben took several deep, shaky breaths in an attempt to calm himself. His body trembling as he did. Soon, the remainder of Ben's sobs died down into soft, barely audible whimpers. Ben sniffled and wiped his face as clean as he could with his sand infested hoodie sleeves.

He sat back on his knees and folded his hands on his lap. Ben hung his head low again. Keeping his red and puffy eyes firmly rooted to the ground. Sand was scattered all over Ben's form in various amounts. That would be hell to clean out of his car but that was a problem for him to deal with later. Much later.

After a few moments, Ben looked up at the night sky again. His tear stained cheeks being faintly illuminated by the stars. He made no sound except for the occasional sigh or hiccup. Those soon died out and the night was quiet once more.

Ben sat there for a few more minutes before sighing. He shifted his position so that he could stand up. His legs shook as he did. A couple bones popped too. Once he managed to steady his stance, Ben proceeded to brush as much sand off of him as he could manage. There was still plenty of stray sand on him here and there when he finished but Ben deemed it as good enough. He didn't have the energy to properly brush off all of the grainy substance. Having a breakdown in the middle of the desert was exhausting.

There are a number of ways in which Ben could cope when his thoughts overwhelm him that are much better and healthier than what he does. Driving to the desert on the outskirts of Bellwood, screaming and crying his sorrows away until he physically can't anymore. However, he didn't feel like he had any other option besides this. He didn't want to burden anyone else nor waste their time with his internal struggles. They have enough to deal with already.

Tears started forming in Ben's eyes again and he tried to will them away. Taking a deep breath in hopes that it would help to keep them at bay. He then nestled his hands in his hoodie pocket again and stared down at his shoes. A moment passed before a few tears splashed onto them. Ben lifted his head up and tilted it back. A mirthless laugh escaping his lips as fresh tears silently slid down his already tear-stained cheeks. 

"I really am pathetic," Ben whispered, his voice hoarse from screaming.

With that, Ben turned around and slowly made his way back to his car. Dragging his feet the entire trek there. He fished around his sweatpants' pockets for his car keys. Pressing the button to unlock the car once he got a somewhat firm grip on them. Ben then slid into the driver's seat and pulled the door closed. Nearly slamming it as he could barely muster the energy to be careful with the action.

Ben buckled up and turned on the ignition. He wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and gripped the steering wheel just a little too tight. As the air-conditioning kicked in, Ben glanced out of his window. For a few moments, he stared at the vast expanse of desert from whence he came. A low sigh left Ben's lips and a sad smile situated itself upon his face. He sniffled before changing gears and pulling onto the main road.

He'd be back tomorrow night.

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So uh... funny story about this fic. I was scrolling through my unpublished stuff and I found this oneshot. I looked at the last time I updated the draft and it hasn't been updated since late August 2021. Like, this whole ass completely edited fic was just sitting and collecting dust on my laptop for over a year.

I'm so embarrassed! Like- asbkdfvlbkladbflvb HOW DID I FORGET THIS EXISTED?!?! I- 💀

Have a good rest of your day/night!