Regularities ✔

Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE: SMALL

The word desire suggests that there is something we do not have. If we have everything already, then there can be no desire, for there is nothing left to want.
-Tom Robbins

The end of season football team meeting came faster than I expected, but it's always a week before the next season starts anyway. Moving just made everything seem like it's at a weird time.

Because Adonis apparently missed me, I spent the night at his house and got ready there this morning, meaning I slept like shit and didn't even get to go on a run or see Jasper at all.

I don't know why I'm nervous about Jasper seeing me in a suit, given he's seen me naked.

Maybe it's because he's also meeting Donny, who has no filter and likes to be as extravagantly affectionate as possible, and with him comes his best friend -who being around is always frustrating to me.

Atlas is going to be here too, over the past three months he's changed. Improved. His mental health took a rise and he got his priorities sorted. Even Jasper and his family is starting to like him, not that I think they'll ever admit it.

Our relationship is better too, of course we still bicker and occasionally fight, he's calling me 'Alphie' and I'm calling him his first name, but not his nickname.

He became a father, his wife, Grace Sawyer gave birth to a baby girl named Josephine Artemis Sawyer.

She is the cutest thing in the world, and unlike Donny when he had his kids, Atlas actually lets me interact with her before she's three. Just because of my tics. I got to hold her!

I feel like a real uncle.

A real brother.

It makes me realize that while Atlas has been on the mean side physically and sometimes teasing me with things that shouldn't be teased by- -like my dog tags- -he's always supported me and stuck up for me the most. It didn't seemed like he liked me, and I can see that but what I couldn't see before was that he always loved me.

Now... now when I look at Adonis I'm starting to realize that around him I've always felt like a burden, like he just tolerated me.

I don't like how my view of him is changing.

The homophobes on my team might have something to do with my bad anxiety but they're scared of me and Coach already has threatened them.

Why can't I tell what's making me so anxious? This is fucking dumb. 

But at this point it's too late to turn back, we're already at the campus.

Beckett Smith, Noelle's cousin on her mom's side, is Adonis's best friend.

And he's currently shooting me with a nerf gun, purely for his own enjoyment as I try to clean my glasses -a nervous habit of mine whenever I wear them. I've also undone my tie at least five times already.

That being the black bear one Ahmik got me, it's practically the only thing I'm confident about too.

Putting my glasses back on, I pull my phone out and ignore the idiot and Adonis who's chattering nonsense to me the best I can.

Still no text from Jasper.

Fuck, maybe he's lost.

Then again, his parents are coming- -simply because mine couldn't make it, Mama having an important client and Papa having a rather rough go at work with a new employee he's not willing to fire yet- -and his mom is nice enough to get the directions from even the meanest guys on my team in a heartbeat.