Survivor's guilt

Liu Qingge was dead. The bai zhan war god, the one who never suffered from Qi deviations, the who killed a lot of demons single handedly, died from a Qi deviation.

No. That wan't true.

Shen Jiu had killed him.

In a state of muddle headedness, he had driven Xiu Ya straight into the other's heart.

If it wasn't for him trying to interfere, Liu Qingge might have been alive.

If only he had a bit more control over his Qi, he could have saved Liu Qingge.

He killed one of his martial siblings.

He killed the only man who treated him as an actual human being, even though Liu Qingge was always disrespectful towards Shen Qing Qiu, he always made Shen Jiu feel more alive.

The only person who was willing to tolerate Shen Jiu (even if it was only for the sake of his pointless sparring sessions) was dead.

"I WILL KILL YOU LIU QINGGE." This phrase echoed in his mind as tried to come to terms with reality.

Why did he have to say that? He knew that he was a jinx for everyone around him and yet he spoke about killing his shidi without an ounce of hesitation.

He did not want Liu Qingge to die. He didn't want anyone to die and yet he had killed.

"Why? Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it be me? Why do the people I care about either die or end up abandoning me?" Shen Jiu spoke out loud hoping to get a reaction from Liu Qingge, he knew it was a futile attempt yet he did not want to believe it.

"It wasn't supposed to be you. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE YOU. It wasn't...." Unable to hold his emotions, Shen Jiu burst out crying.

He knew that it wasn't so elegant to cry like this but he could not bring himself to care.

He had killed an innocent man.

He had killed the person who was supposed to last the longest if the sect was to perish one day.

He had killed the only semblance of a friend he had in this world.

Many people thought that Shen Jiu and Liu Qingge were mortal enemies but the truth was something that only Shen Jiu knew.

He did not consider Liu Qingge as his enemy, he thought of him as a friend, a friend who liked to annoy him constantly but a friend none the less.

Although he would never admit it, He admired Liu Qingge and his pure nature.

"It's all my fault, I shouldn't have entered the caves in the first place. I bring bad luck to everyone around me. If it wasn't for me, you would still be alive. Forgive me Qingge. Please wake up. I swear I will never come near you, just please wake up. If you want, I will even leave my position as the peak master and go away from the sect. I will never show my face to you ever again. Just wake up. Please. I am begging you."

He clutched the dead body tightly.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Liu Qingge shouldn't be the one who died, it should be him.

Why did god let him live? Why do they always take the people he cares about but leave him, a scumbag, behind? What did he even do to deserve living any longer?

He shouldn't have cared about Liu Qingge, as soon as he cares for someone, he ends up ruining everything.

When he cared for Yue Qi, he suffered abandonment, when he cared for Qiu Haitang, he suffered at the hands of Qiu Jianluo and he even killed the girl's family and now, when he started caring for Liu Qingge, he killed the man.

It seemed that as soon as he grows attached to someone, their life is destroyed and judging by the course of events, it gets worse every single time.

He had a Qi deviation too and yet he survived, looks like even the gods don't want him. After all, the best people are the first to go and the devils are always left behind.

Perhaps he deserved to be in this state, the fates have given him warning upon warnings that he isn't allowed to feel happy and yet he dared to disobey them.

He should have succumbed while he was still ahead. While Liu Qingge was still alive.

He did not want to go on anymore, he did not want to bring anymore disasters to this world than he already had.

But he had to go on because Liu Qingge does not deserve to to be left as a rotting corpse in the caves that are seldom visited. He deserves a proper funeral.

Shen Jiu knew that as soon as he steps out of this cave, the blame will be pinned on him without any questions, he would be hated even more and he would most likely be barred from attending the funeral. But he was willing to take the risk so that Liu Qingge would be able to find peace.

"I am sorry, Shidi. I am not allowed to die yet. I must atone for my sins." And with that Shen Qing Qiu wiped his face, he once again became the heartless fiend that everyone was so used to seeing and he headed outside with a lifeless Liu Qingge clutched tightly in his arms.

(A/n: I personally like the last paragraph a lot. I hope you liked the story