heart reflections

"Moving on is difficult. But, you know what, it doesn't matter how quickly you get over someone. There's nothing wrong with letting go of their memory little by little. Forward is forward, after all."

Those are the same words I've been telling myself and the people close to me for the last year and a half.  I don't know when the hope that came with those words got lost, though.

What I do know is that it gets really frustrating when you realize how little you've moved forward. You'll start to wonder if you'll ever not think about her. If you'll ever feel hungry without having to remember her impressive appetite or the countless hours you spent debating over what kind of food to get. (Let's be real, though. Those debates were always useless. You end up letting her get what she wants, anyway.) 

You'll also wonder why even after all this time, every little thing reminds you of her, and why it's still so weird to do alone the things you used to do together.

Then, you'll try to forget. You'll force yourself to look at someone else the way you looked at her. To care for someone else the same way you cared for her. It'll get her off of your mind for a while, but it usually never lasts. Because as much as you want them to be, they're not her.

Soon, you'll be back right where you started. Pining over someone you so badly want to leave in the past.  You'll tell yourself, "Take your time. It doesn't matter how long it takes. You'll get there."  But, this time, you'll believe it less because nothing seems to have changed. You're still stuck in that same loop of hating yourself for staying in love with her, and wishing for her to come back.

It's funny. I didn't want this, you know? I didn't think love was in the cards for me. But then, she came around, and changed everything I thought I knew about myself. I guess the universe just has a knack of throwing shit at people when they think they've had it all figured out.

Well, you've had your fun, Universe. This girl is never falling for that trap ever again.

Besides, I'm probably never gonna get over her, so that's that.

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Lauren Jauregui is a writer who has anonymously been chronicling the extraordinary love between her and her former girlfriend of almost five years, Camila Cabello.

It has, however, been about seventeen months since she last posted on her blog, "heart reflections." "It's Been A While" is the first piece she has written since "She's Gone," the latter being a rather vague piece about how she and Camila decided they couldn't be together anymore.

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"The sun loved the moon so much that she died every night to let her breathe."

I think I'm going to throw up. Has it really been a week?

She's been gone from my life for a week now.

We broke up, if that part still isn't obvious to you. We decided it was for the best.

I'm still wondering if it was for the best, though. What if we're only making things worse for ourselves?

Well, we'll find out soon, I guess.

P.S. Losing the love of your love sucks. One minute you're fine, and then it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest the next. I don't recommend it to anyone.

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"Damn." Lauren mutters, the pain she felt that day suddenly coming back in full force. They were right, though. It was for the best.