Everytime I close my eyes, I see monsters.
The monsters I've created for myself, the ones I call friends because humans are so much worse.
Everytime I close my eyes, my anxiety goes " hi and what can I offer you today ? " and everytime i go to say no thanks , my breath leaves my lungs and there i am afraid. Afraid of the monster I'll become if I'm not careful.
When your a neat freak like me , everything is always upside down and inside out. Honey there is no in between or a way out. You just tread lightly in hopes that everything will be in order when you return.
Everytime I close my eyes , there's a demon waiting to be friends because hes scared to go home. An alcoholic at most , and always aggressive but is way to gentle when he let's himself.
But when I open my eyes, there's a six year old boy who just came from a funeral and his mother is to depressed to even acknowledge his own existence. Now his only friend is a woman who gets paid to care take of him but she loves him with every inch of her soul as if he was her only child.
So I shut the lights off but there's also a man that is afraid that if he doesnt have control then everything will fall apart with one light touch. That if he hasn't checked the door 20 times in a row then nothing is perfect. If he hasn't washed his hands to the the point of pain then there will always be germs. So many leaking into his skin.
That's what is inside me , whenever I close my eyes or open them or shut off the lights. That is what I'll always be no matter how fast or dare I run. I will always be afraid of myself.
Because..... I am that monster. I am that demon. I am that six year old. I am that man with ocd.
I am what I am when I close my eyes at the end of the day , and I will be what I am when I die.
So when I close my eyes , give me just a moment to breathe and then maybe. Just maybe I will be alright.
Everytime i close my eyes.... the cycle starts again.
