What the hell did I do?

Heartbroken

After the blazing fire that had burned down everything I ever knew or felt, all that's left were ashes and dust. Ashes that had a hold of me. That was choking me, making it hard to breathe, filling my lungs. After all the fiery anger that burned through me slowly ebbed away, all that's left was hurt and pain and numbness. I walked in a daze and pulled my hoodie over my head. After what I just witnessed, I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to disappear. But I didn't know where to go. The flatshare was the obvious option but it was full with my roommates. I love them but after Manon came back from London and they made me sleep on the couch to make room for her, things have been tense. It was painfully obvious that I was unwanted at the flatshare.

I wanted to be alone right now and I would have company if I went to my flat-share. If only I had a haven to go to like Elliot's Petite Ceinture. That was it. I could go there. Eliott was at Chloe's party so he wouldn't be there. Before I knew it, I was walking in that direction.

The wind blew and stung my cheeks. My tears had long been dried and I had been walking around for who knew how long. This surprised me. I had never broken down like this before. Not even when my dad left us and our family fell apart. I wasn't sure how much more pain I could handle. Goosebumps exploded on my skin. But it wasn't the cold that was bothering me. I winced suddenly. I had forgotten that I bruised my knuckles after punching that gate, and accidentally put my hands in my pockets.

That image of Elliot kissing his ex Lucille was on repeat in my head and I couldn't get it out, no matter how much I wanted to pull the image out and dump it into a dumpster. He may as well just stabbed me in the back and chest. And the worst part? I had no idea why he would betray me like this. Had I done something wrong? Was I not enough for him? Or were we never really together in the first place? He had told me that he told Lucille about us and that we were together. Did he play me? Did I get played? Was any of what we shared even real? The answer was crystal clear. If he truly cared about me, he never would've purposely done anything to hurt me, behind my back or not.

One thing was for sure. He was the first person that I had stupidly, madly, unconditionally, and irrevocably fallen in love with, but he had shattered my trust like a glass. He had shattered my heart by going behind my back and betraying me. The pain spilled out from every bone, from every bloodstream, every vein, from every cell in my body. It was unbearable.

I fucked up big time with Chloe too by using her. My friends probably hate me now after I exploded with them. It wasn't their fault but I had accidentally taken out my frustration and anger about Elliot on them. My roommates were well...my roommates. I was never really close with them except for Manon maybe. She baked cupcakes for all of us and she was nice to me. She was the only one that made me feel welcomed at the flatshare. Things with my family were shitty. Sure my dad pays for my rent and helps me out with money when I need it, but it was more like a burden to him. He was only doing it because he felt guilty after leaving me and my mom. He didn't care about me. And there was my mom. I do love her and she loves me but we haven't been close lately. We hadn't even talked in a long while. The truth was, we were just too...different. She was very religious and whenever she texts me, all she would talk about was nonsense crap that I didn't care or want to hear about. It was just too much for me.

The only thing that was starting to be good in my life was Elliot. After I met him, everything changed. Like I was waking up from a deep sleep. I felt like for the first time in my life, I belonged somewhere, with him. He made me feel good. At least while it lasted. Now even the only good part of my life is gone. I have nothing and I have no one. My life was miserable.

The Petite Ceinture looked even creepier now that I was here alone and not with Elliot. But for the first time, I truly understood why Elliot loved this place. I could see the appeal. It was really quiet and there was beauty in silence. You could just truly be alone with your thoughts and no one or nothing would disturb you. Except in my case, maybe right now I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts.

I sat down in the tunnel on the cold ground. It was dark and cold here, just like my mood. My thoughts were jumbled. A shudder ripped through my body and I stifled a sob. I could hear my heart beating in my ear. The cold, empty feeling inside my chest was there as if there's an icicle stuck in my heart. I needed to fill in that hole. The hole that Eliott had dug in my chest. He didn't give a damn about me. I've been an idiot this whole time but that was going to have to change. And to do that I needed to build a wall around my heart. I needed to bury my feelings for him. I needed to forget him and move forward with my life. But what was the point of life when my life was him? When all I can think about is him. When I couldn't turn off what I feel for him no matter how much I try. How was I supposed to move on when all I feel right now is pain and hurt and betrayal? I needed to stop. I needed the pain to stop. I needed the world to stop. I needed everything to stop.