Alive

part one.

We always looked at stars together, now it's my turn to be one.

____

I was fifteen when my heart decided to betray me like with all betrayals I definitely didn't see this one coming. That was two years ago, life of course hasn't really been fair, how cruel.

I've been on a two day bender of "Bachelor" and I am holding out that DeAnna wins this season, only I'm not sure I'll be around long enough to find out. I suppose I can search it up but even the thought of that feels self defeating...

Dad took Hayley downstairs fifteen minutes ago, she'd been crying like it was her heart that was about to get ripped out. I am getting antsy as Dr. Saanvi walks in the room, 'How's my favorite patient doing' she says with a smile. I don't say anything since I really don't know how I am doing. For the two years since my diagnosis with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, computers have proven a much more reliable indicator of my overall health, seeing as I feel the same as always, terrible.

'Her colors are good'. Mom says as she stops writing in her journal. She puts a lot of stock in my color, she adjusts her glasses and reaches for her big stack of research, the file she keeps on Yours Truly.

Dr. Saanvi smiles 'Everything's still on track.'' she says kindly, but which track does she mean? The one where I stay up late nights watching The Vampire Diaries, attend college, travel the world, lose her virginity, or the one where she dies like almost every transplant patient? "Are you ready, Nova?" Dr. Saanvi says, unable to read my mind.

"So... I'm going to be dead soon?" I ask, even though I know the answer. "As in one thousand percent not living or walking this Earth?" I brush.

"Nova!!" Mom shouts at me like I've said something offensive instead of true, she's always on me about asking too many questions but she doesn't have a say, I will die, she knows it she has to come to terms with it eventually..

"Yes, technically." Dr. Saanvi checks the tubes that are connected to my body, I can't say she doesn't like me much not personally anyway but we reached an understanding of that awhile ago. We're on the same team you can say, it's my job to maintain a pulse and her job to see that I do, and believe me, I'm all too happy to be another bump in her success rate.

"What we'll do is prepare the cavity in your chest, a spot for the new heart to sit." Dr. Saanvi says before coming up to me. I did my fingernails into my arm, a nervous habit I picked up since my sickness.

"Once your new heart is positioned, we'll sew it in place and stitch together the arteries." She locks her fingers to demonstrate. "And what if you put it in wrong?" I ask. Mom gives me a death glare, oh well... I'm dying no need. "We won't put it in wrong," Saanvi says. "But my body could reject it, the heart I mean?

Dr Saanvi frowns, "We're going to do our best to make sure that doesn't happen." There are more questions that I want to ask but I know Dr Saanvi is getting tired of me already. I fall into a deep space, like theres me in one world and everyone else in the other and I can't reach them.

Dr saanvi taps my knee and ask again "Are you ready?" Mom looks at me awkwardly waiting for me to answer but in all honesty I am not ready one bit.. Who's heart will I be getting? Will my body not want the heart? "Three o'clock" Dr saanvi says glancing at her watch then back to her clipboard. "We better get going girl, let's go."

"Ready" I lied once more. Here we go, a new heart Nova coming soon.

Dad walks in holding hands with my toddler sister Hayley, who looks frustratingly adorable somehow, as usual. Dark brown wavy long hair, freckles, a smile that lights up a whole room and bright blue eyes. Dad sets her on the bed, "tell your sister we'll see her soon." Hayley pats my arm and laughs, a lump grows inside my throat as I look into her bright blue eyes. I wonder if she'll grow up to look like me. I wish someone could promise to send me a postcard in the afterlife just in case I die.

"Are you nervous sissy?" Hayley says as she slides off the bed. "Well hayls, this body ain't big enough for the both of us." I tease. I wish I could tell her I am deeply terrified. I slide my phone out of my side. I've been avoiding Klailea, but with shaky hands I type one sentence. I'm Scared. I hit send and try to imagine I've sent the fear along with it.

Mom takes my phone and the jewelry that I'm wearing, along with the stuffed unicorn I keep for good luck. Before I know it, they're starting to roll me away. "See you soon." Of course, Hayley's crying again. 

I'm in a new room. Somewhere behind me they told me to countdown from ten and I am counting out loud; "Ten, nine, eight..." 

I see myself holding Hayley, right after she was born. "Seven." covered in blood and all sticky. She grabs my fingers and her tiny lips make a smooch. "Six." I watch as water starts covering me, my eyelids flutter. "Five." I feel like I am dying, I should tell someone, I need to. 

"Four."

On cue the room goes dark and I can't see anything anymore. There's a tight squeeze against my lungs and then... -