The way to you

Forever

Forever he told me, forever we'd be together. But now he's gone, and he's left a gaping hole in my chest. 

The forever he promised me, was a forever pain.

As he laid on his death bed, holding my hand, the tears falling from his eyes.

"I don't want to leave you." he had told me.

"I wish I could stay, I wish we could have the forever I promised you." he had breathed.

It was all a lie. There could be no forever.

His last breath was wasted on the words, "I love you"

When I left the hospital, eyes swollen, body frigid, I could feel the forever.

The forever feeling of being cold. The feeling of being lost.

He made me warm, he cherished me, loved me.

I can't help but hate myself, everything I did on his last days was hate. Hate his disease, his lies of forever, his sick frail body.

There was nothing I could do but watch him wither away, there was nothing I could do.

Sitting on our bed in the apartment we lived in together, tears run down my cheeks.

The grief finally hitting me, he's gone. He's actually gone. I had thought maybe this was some sort of sick dream, some sort of nightmare. But he's gone. Everything he owned was still in place, all his clothes, all his belongings, still here. When he's not.

"why?" I whisper into the empty room, my throat constricts and my whole body aches.

"you promised me forever. You said you'd love me forever. You said-" I sob, with every cell, every inch of my being I could feel the hollowness. "You've left me." I cried.

I fall to the ground, sobbing.

"you've left me. You've left me. You've left me." I repeat until the darkness of sleep swallows me whole.

I snap my eyes open, my cheeks hot and my pillow wet. Where am I? I look around, I'm not in our bedroom. Why does my body feel weird?

I get up and walk to the restroom connected to the foreign room, I look in the mirror. I'm not me anymore.

My body is different, my face, everything about me is different. What the hell happened?! 

Memories come flooding into my head all at once of this stranger's body.

I see her mother, her father, her sister, everyone she knows I know. My hair is no longer black but Burnett, my eyes that were once molten brown are now hazel, everything changed.

This has gotta be a dream, how else would I be inside this stranger's body.

I get the idea to find the stranger's name so I look through her nightstand, under her bed for any boxes of storage, I look in her living room, once I reach the kitchen I open the first drawer to find receipts and pens, then I see her purse on the counter. I open her purse and get her I.D. out. 

Her name is Alexia Lyn, born in 1996.

Something starts to vibrate in the bedroom so I walk over and see her phone lighting up and buzzing. The name on the call is "mom" I whisper. I cover my mouth with my hand at the unexpected voice change. My voice has a slight British accent and is more breathy, more harmonic. 

A new memory floods into my mind, I'm on a stage, the lights only on me. A huge crowd of people all staring at me in wonder, I realize that I'm singing, such a beautiful melody, tears of passion run down my face. I snap my eyes open, feeling a little dizzy from everything going on.

I'm an opera singer? More memories invade my brain,

I see myself at college, signs everywhere saying Julliard. I gasp. I went to Julliard, I didn't have to complete the 4 years because I'm known as a musical prodigy. I am so confused.

I snap out of my haze and pick up the phone, "hello" I whisper, still not used to the change of voice and accent.

"Alexia Lyn, where have you been my darling! I have been worried sick, you haven't been picking up my calls or answered my messages!" she yells through the phone. Her voice has a thick British accent, stronger than mine. Most likely because I've been living in America for 6 years now.

"Ah yes I'm sorry about that mother, I've been terribly busy with-" what have I been busy with? Since when did I start talking like this? It's almost like she is still in me, but I have control of her body.  Oh, I remember now, I've been busy with a new concerto I've been working on. "a new musical piece, I do apologize." I tell her.

"Lexia you frightened me, I thought you were kidnapped or worse, angry with me" she sighs, I laugh.

All of these new memories are pushing my old ones out, of my old life. Every memory I had with him, is fading. His smile, his laugh, his words. Everything is fading. teardrops fall down my cheeks, I can't see his face anymore. My memories of him, the only thing I had left is dying.

"Lexia- are you- are you crying, my dear?" My mother responds on the other end, I had forgotten she was listening, I sniff. "No, I'm uh- I'm cutting some onions, you know how it is." My voice sounds stuffy and full.

"Ok well, I just wanted to check up on you my darling, please don't forget your mum loves you." the beep goes off.

My knees weaken and give out, I land on the floor with a thud. Those lasting memories of him are almost completely gone, I can feel it. As I cry I forget. Who am I crying about? Why am I crying? I open my eyes, I realized I had shut them. I'm still here but I've always been here. This is my apartment, my room, my life.

I get up off the floor, wipe my tears off my cheeks and start getting dressed. Why was I on the floor? Why the hell is my room a mess?! Jesus, did I sleepwalk or something?

What was I thinking about just now? I don't know, whatever.

I shower and get dressed, making coffee I realize I'd forgotten to call my mother back, oh Lord, she'll be furious. I know that if I don't answer her she'll send Lily, or even worse, Xavier. I snatch my phone off the counter and call her, the phone rings until she finally answers.

"Yes, love?" she asks, 

"Oh mum, I'd forgotten to call you hadn't I?" I worry, she chuckles, "what do you mean by that darling, you'd already called me back. Do you not remember? You told me you'd been busy with your music. In fact it was just 10 minutes ago." she responds. I did? I don't remember telling her anything about my new music piece. Or returning her call for that matter. 

"oh I see, then I must've forgotten, forgive me," I say, she sighs, "Lexia this is why you must take a break every once and a while, you'll end up forgetting things! Love, I've got to go, I'll call you later" she ends the call.

Did I really answer her call? Am I really forgetting things? I feel like myself, but I don't. I don't know but I've got rehearsal in about an hour or so.

I think I'm going to go to rehearsal this time, I pull out my phone and text Mark to pick me up, as I get ready, I can't help but feel like there's another presence inside me. Almost like a new soul.