NCT Imagines

When you lose him - Na Jaemin

Jaemin x NonBinary!Reader

I sat in the hospital waiting room, tapping my foot nervously against the cold marble flooring.
Jaemin was being taken in for tests, after multiple episodes. He was fainting a lot, he had a fever, his chest always aches, and he was always tired and sick.

I dreaded the results.
I knew whatever they were going to be, wasn't going to be good.

The doctor finally came out, spotting me.
"Ah, Y/N, please follow me." The doctor asked, walking off as I trailed behind.

We came into a room with a large screen, images of CT scans scattered across the screen.
A lump grew in my throat.

Jaemin sat in a chair, smiling tiredly at me.
"Please, take a seat." The doctor said, ushering to the seat.

I sat besides Jaemin, squeezing his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry to say this, but Mr Jaemin here has a heart tumour, a cancerous one.. if we had spotted it sooner, we could do more.. there are treatments, but it'll buy you weeks.. I'm very sorry." The doctor said, looking to me with sorrow.

"Well, that stinks." Jaemin chuckled weakly.
"Are you sure there's no treatment..?" I asked.

"There's a few, but not many. Operating on the heart is- well, dangerous. We can try remove the tumour, but the only real way to assure his safety is a heart transplant.. but people don't just donate hearts.. I'm sorry." The doctor said.

"Y/N, don't worry about it. How long then."
"I'd say six months at best."
"Then," Jaemin said, turning to me, "let's live our best life until then, okay?"

I just nodded, feeling my heart shatter in sorrow.
I was going to lose him.

We left, Jaemin's hand entwined in mine.
"Let's go wherever you want to go, okay?" I whispered to him, feeling tears sting at my eyes.

"Y/N, don't cry. I'm still here. I don't need to see you crying. The doc gave me some pills for the aching, so don't worry. I have a few check up appointments and such, but other than that, I'll be fine. So don't cry." Jaemin said, wiping a hand across my cheek.

"Okay.. let's leave the tears until later." I said, opening the car door for him.
He hopped inside, closing the door himself as I hopped in the drivers side, driving us back home.

When we arrived, Jaemin wandered straight to the couch, turning the TV onto Netflix.
"What are you doing?"
"Let's have a movie marathon. I'm not tired."

"Jaemin, it's almost one in the morning."
"And..?"
"I have work tomorrow."
"Who cares about work. Let's just have fun!" Jaemin said with a grin.

I rolled my eyes, going to lay with him on the couch.
He put on the first Hunger Games movie, playing with my hair and fingers while we chatted silently, the movie noises a humming in the back of our own chatter.

"I need the bathroom. I'll be back." Jaemin said, giving me a kiss on the forehead as he stood up.

He wandered to the bathroom, before I heard a loud thump, only to find him gripping weakly onto the wall.

"Let me help you, Jaemin." I said, placing his arm over my shoulder.
"I'm fine." He said, attempting to push me off.

"You almost hit your head, so you're not. Cmon." I said, leading him into the bathroom.
He closed the door on me, before coming back out, his face filled with exhaustion.

"Let's go to bed now.. we can finish that movie tomorrow.." Jaemin muttered, falling into my arms.

I smiled weakly, patting his hair gently, as I led him to the bedroom, helping him into bed.
"I'll be right back." I whispered, running out to turn the TV off, before going into the study, pulling out a small journal, scrawling lines before putting it away, going back to bed, only to find Jaemin already fast asleep.

That's how things were for the next few months. Me and Jaemin would have fun, and once a week he'd go for a check up, and I would go to work on those days.

His colleagues helped assist me in paying for our home, knowing the struggles he was going through. They would always visit, with smiles and gifts.

A smile barely left Jaemins face, which had become sunken, and thin.

"Y/N, can I tell you something?" Jaemin asked one day, turning to me on the bed.

"Hm?" I questioned, fiddling with his hands.
"The doctors- they've noticed my condition isn't improving.. I might have to move into the hospital for full treatment- or as much as they can give me." Jaemin said.

"Well, at least you'll get better.." I said, smiling weakly.
"Or I'll rot in the hospital like other sick people.." He muttered.

"Jaemin, you're going to be alright, okay?" I said, smiling gently as I tilted his head to look at me.

He shook his head, before smiling half-heartedly. "You're right."

The next month or two was a living hell.
Jaemin was in and out of hospital, the treatment making him more tired and thin than ever.

He wasn't improving.
I visited him everyday in the hospital, and he seemed okay. But I could see he was tired, and his body was worn out.

I knew it wouldn't be long.
"Y/N, I love you!!" He would always assure me with a wide grin.

Everyday that grin got smaller.
So, one day I went to go visit the doctor privately.
"Will that save him?" I asked.
"We're not sure, but it's always a possibility. We can do the surgery next week."
"Next week!? He doesn't have much time!" I cried.

"I assure you Y/N, he'll be alright until then." The doctor assured me.
"Alright.."

Then I waited for that week to pass, only to watch him slowly fade from the happy, amazing, chaotic boy I once knew, to a downcast, exhausted and tired man.
His smile was fading. It didn't reach his eyes anymore.

I watched as he was wheeled away to surgery.
"I'll be okay, Y/N. I love you, remember?" He whispered to me, grabbing my hand weakly before he was whisked away, away from me.

I sat and waited. Waited for answers, waited for my happiness.
But from the sound of the hospital alarms, it wasn't happening.
The doctor came out, looking at me.
"I'm sorry Y/N."

All the emotions came out at that point, and I cried.
I cried and cried.

I followed him, to see Jaemin laying there, his body cold, stiff, unmoving.

The smile I loved was gone.

The boy I loved was gone.

All I could do was cry.

When I went home that evening, the house felt cold, empty.
I walked into the bedroom, looking through his bedside drawer, finding photo albums of us, smiling at the memories.

Then there was a note.

"Hey, Y/N. I'm assuming something happened.. Something bad.. I'm sorry I'm not here to hold your hand anymore. Please stay strong for me. I'll always look over you, and I'll always love you. Even though you've lost my physical touch, I'm always here, guarding you, protecting you. Please don't cry, I love your smile. I love you, so so much. Live a life for the both of us."

I held the note to my chest, looking to my own journal I had sitting on the table, tears falling down my cheeks.
"I was going to give my life to you, Na Jaemin. But I didn't want you to feel anymore pain.. I'm so sorry.. I should've given it away.. but I'm selfish.." I cried.
The boy watched from above, his own heart in sorrows, for leaving Y/N alone.
For leaving his forever love.