when i'm swallowed down. （ a. knight ）

three.

The APMA awards were a big deal in the alternative scene. Alternative Press was a huge magazine, so their award ceremony would be just as important. Waterparks was up for a few awards, of course, and Jessa picked up extra shifts at work in order to afford the plane ticket out to Ohio for the show.

Ciara was stuck in LA filming for her TV show so she couldn't make it, which Awsten was bummed about. He was torn between nervous excitement about possibly winning (highly unlikely, despite his mother being convinced they would win), and horribly sad that his girlfriend couldn't share a cool opportunity with him.

Their schedules were clashing a lot recently. She was gone a lot filming and he was gone a lot working on music stuff, touring, band meetings, and everything in between. They hardly had time to see each other because they were both so exhausted by the time they got home.

The label had also been giving Awsten a headache. He was constantly torn between being grateful for being given a chance to make cool art, and feeling so protective over his music and vision only for the label to fully fuck him over every chance they got.

Sometimes Awsten was grateful that Ciara tended to pick fights with him when she was tired. It gave him a chance to work out his frustration through a roll in the sheets. Maybe she just liked to upset him.

He was grateful that Jessa was coming out. He hadn't seen much of her recently. She always had good reasons why she was so hard to catch when they would grab lunch or go see a movie. She was back in school now, studying psychology so she could be a therapist, and it was taking a lot of her time. Plus, she'd picked up a job in a pharmacy that paid well.

"I bet you're glad Jess is here," Jawn said casually in the van ride over to the venue.

Awsten's attention snapped back to the present. "I am glad," he said automatically. "I probably shouldn't be as happy as I am."

Ciara did not know that Jessa had flown out to see them. It would've been catastrophic and Awsten wanted to focus on the award show instead of the growing discontent in his relationship.

"I'm glad she's here. She always calms you down," Geoff said mildly and Otto hummed his agreement.

Awsten frowned. He couldn't deny that and it made him feel weird. She was Jessa. Just Jessa. But she did calm him down. They'd met up for coffee this morning and her hug had made him feel like he could face just about anything.

They won, of course. He couldn't wait to tell his mom that she had been right, again. The night, after that, was a blur.

Jessa launched herself into Awsten's waiting arms when she was finally reunited with them again. "You did it. Proud of you," she said into his ear, giving him one last squeeze before she allowed Geoff to pry her away to give her a hug himself.

Awsten had a hard time ignoring the way his nerve endings lit up like Christmas lights. He watched her talk animatedly with a very excited Geoff, but he didn't look at her like she was just Jessa. She was beautiful, and he never noticed it before. She had always been beautiful in a friend sense of the word, but now she was just beautiful. She had dressed up pretty for the show and her wild, curly hair was swept to one side of her face. She looked𑁋

His phone chirped with Ciara's response, finally getting back to him. Awsten stepped away from everyone to FaceTime her, excited to tell his girlfriend the good news. But when she answered the phone, she was in bed, looking drunk.

"Hey," he said, his mood souring instantly.

"Heeeeeeey, baaaaaaby." Her voice was slurred and full of giggles. He couldn't smell her breath, but he could bet she was sweating vodka like always.

"It's 5pm in LA and you're all ready drunk?" Awsten was angry. More than angry. He was livid.

"Don't lecture me, Awsten. I'll hang up." Ciara looked to the side and Awsten was acutely aware that there was a person laying beside her in bed. Their bed. He was going to be sick.

"Are you with someone else?" Awsten heard himself ask, even though he didn't want to know the answer.

"Whaaaat? No way!" Ciara giggled and started to say something else but Awsten hung up the phone.

She immediately blew up his phone, trying to call back and sending texts but he just turned his phone off and went into autopilot. He came back to himself in the hotel room, but he didn't know how he'd gotten back or what time it was.

His hair was wet and the shower was still running but he was fully dressed. Awsten picked himself up off the floor and went into the bathroom, turning off the shower. He turned to look at himself in the mirror but he didn't fully recognize himself. His eyes were swollen and his nose was red, like he'd been crying, and his throat hurt, like he'd been screaming.

A knock at the door pulled him away from his reflection and he opened the door to let Jessa come barrelling through the door with a big smile, now changed out of her pretty dress.

"You promised you'd introduce me to Alex Gaskarth, and I won't let you sleep until you make good on your promise!" she said happily and then turned to face him, frowning. "What's wrong?"

Awsten ignored her. "Is that all I am to you? A way to get in with people you like?"

Jessa frowned. "No? What are you talking about? Why are you being this way?" she asked. "And why does it look like you just cried?"

"Just leave me alone, Jessie!" Awsten said, raising his voice a little at her to get her attention. "I didn't ask you to come over here. Maybe I just want you to leave me alone. Freeload off someone else, okay?"

Jessa glared at him. "You're being an ass and it's not my fault. Wait a while before you call me again after this, Awsten Knight."

He regretted making her upset immediately but he watched helplessly as she stalked across the hotel room and wrenched the door open forcefully. She stopped for a moment and turned halfway to face him again, the worst look of hurt on her face that he'd ever fucking seen, looking half like she wanted to say something else but decided not to and just left him alone with his thoughts again.