Eccedentesiat.

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞

☁ Leila ☁

Hello, my name is Leila Rue Smith, and this is my story.

Family, Were supposed to love them right? Our family is the ones we should feel safest and most secure around. Whoever said that just lied straight to everyone's faces, well I suppose not everyone but to me? certainly.

My family isn't close, never has been, were all fucked up, a fucked up toxic family. Everyone except me and my cousin Ezimae, she's been my best friend ever since we were little. We go through everything together; The two of us are inseparable, I'd do anything for her and she'd do anything for me. This is also part of her story but her's is not mine to tell.

It's sad when you finally get to the age when you truly understand how fucked up and crazy your family is, going from your biological father being an abusive pedo who should be in jail and is no longer in your life, your mother who doesn't have the best mental stability but works so hard and you love with all your heart but she never comes to see the amount of pain she puts you in, constantly you being the blame or you being the one to hurt her.

Your step-dad who you see as a stranger because he's never around, always cooped up in his room. You don't mind though because he seems to despise everything you do, constantly raising his voice and picking fights over nothing. Your sister and you having an okay relationship but it's awkward because you just can't seem to forgive her for the neglect and treatment she has given you all for a guy.

Your oldest and only brother who says he's so good but is never there for you, the brother who took advantage of you when you were a toddler telling you to play with his stupid dick because it was a toy, then proceeding to act like nothing happened once he shoves you away from hearing the car pull into the garage.

And the Big fucking bang.

The main reason behind all of your suffering is your own Cousin, the cousin you thought of and pictured as an Older brother in place of your actual one because compared to him this cousin has always been in that spot.

Perhaps that's where I messed up.

He was not a brother to me, he was a monster in disguise and I was indeed was his victim. It all started with simple inappropriate touches, I didn't know it was wrong. I was just a kid. The touches becoming more and more sexual slowly turning into me being forced to touch him.

Do you think I fucking wanted to? No. Truthfully, a part of me was always afraid and I'd say no but he would never listen just backfire with;

"It'll make me feel good."

"Leila, don't you want me to feel good?"

"You don't want me to be sad do you?"

"No one will know."

"You don't want me to get into trouble do you?"

I was just a kid. I never knew right from wrong and I didn't know what he was doing, I'm a people pleaser an empath, I didn't want to hurt him.

When really he was deeply damaging me and I never even knew.

The touching had gotten to the point where I'd be in the shower and he'd make the excuse of needing to use the 'bathroom' when really every time he would do so, the curtain would open and he would be there standing there waiting for me to do what I was told.

From touching to groping, and pinning me down against my own will; the line was crossed when he not only put it in my mouth but my behind. I wanted him to stop, I never liked any of this it was all for him and his happiness and pleasure.

Everything he's ever done to me and said is a constant replay in my mind every day. It terrifies me.

"This is how you get pregnant."

"When you get older and your chest is bigger well have a lot more fun"

I don't want that. Stop. I've never wanted this.

I was in kindergarten when all of this happened. Fucking kindergarten and it never ended until fourth grade. As I got older I thought I did something wrong like I deserved it and as the topics finally came up. I gained the knowledge to learn I was nothing but a victim of his sexual abuse and rape.

Growing ashamed of what happened I never told anyone. Never informed my parents, no one. I was all alone with no one to hear my cries of what I did to deserve what happened and just Why did my stupid self let it go on for so long.

It's truly scarring carrying it all on your shoulders. I've tried to confront him and every time I did he left me feeling delusional

"I never did that"

"I don't remember doing that to you."

You're a liar.

It isn't fair I'm stuck suffering like this while he is able to go on every day like he did nothing wrong. It's slowly killing me and draining me of life. It hurts and I don't know how to cope. What's the point?

There's no saving me now, no justice will be served. Maybe unless I'm dead.

Years go by and still no one knows until one day my mother came across and vent I made to someone. I told them what happened. She was upset. Yet the fear of the truth unfolding and the questions I didn't want to be asked arises.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you scream?"

"You let him touch you."

Do you think I wanted all of that? No.

Even yet I wish she never found out, why you may ask? because now it's used against me. I was slut-shamed by her because of it. No comfort. Just shamed.

Not even a month later it's like nothing was ever said, the truth of my trauma was forgotten. They all ignore it like nothing like it wasn't important. Still inviting and talking to my abuser praising him like the 'perfect' son and nephew he seems to be.

Crazy fucking pathetic honestly..