Thinking out loud | MYUNGHYUK

Thinking out loud

"You promised me a dance"

"Hyung-"

"I know. But tonight is too beautiful to waste it. Please?"

Minhyuk owes them both a try, it has been too long. The sad smile on Myungjun's face is enough to make him accept the hand he is holding out, fingers lacing in an automatic, familiar gesture. He follows him slightly away from the crowd, where it's just the two of them and no one can burst their bubble.

"I know it's still hard for you, I'm sorry", Myungjun murmurs as slower notes fill the air, laughter quieting down. "I just- I needed this"

"It's fine, hyung"

It isn't. It hasn't been since that day.

He should be grateful of what life still has granted him, but losing his greatest passion, his biggest happiness, has teared him apart and it's not going to stop any time soon, he just knows it. He has sworn to never step on a dance floor again, the mere thought making him throw up, cruel reality washing over him whenever he stops and takes a deep breath. Yet there he is, for Myungjun only, because disappointing him hurts just as much. Minhyuk doesn't want that.

"You are not okay, love, you are trembling", Myungjun sighs. "I shouldn't have asked-"

Minhyuk shakes his head. "You can't put your life on hold because of me"

"And you don't have to pretend just to make me happy"

"I am not-"

"Don't lie", he pleads, searching for his eyes. "I hate it, I feel helpless"

"You are not! You do so much for me, for us-"

"But it is not enough, it will never be"

"That's not true, hyung, stop it"

Myungjun falls silent, hugging him tighter -Minhyuk can only imagine the mess going on inside his mind.

His gaze wanders over the field, pretty lights adorning their surrounding, stars twinkling brightly in the clear sky as people lazily sway to the music -it is lovely, indeed. Almost painful, when you feel like dying inside and want to be anywhere but there.

"I miss you"

Minhyuk frowns. "I'm right here, though?"

"And I'm glad. Trust me, I really am", Myungjun blinks the tears away, voice muffled against his shoulder. "But sometimes I wish we could go back"

Back to when they met and fell in love and everything was easier, all smiles, shared dreams and unexpected surprises.

Back to when Minhyuk used to spend his hours practicing choreographies, Myungjun giving his all on his songs, only to make their way to the very top together and never let each other go.

Before the incident happened and Minhyuk's entire life crumbled down, leaving him -amongst all the overwhelming feelings he still can't manage- with a weird sense of jealousy. It's so irrational, because Myungjun is not to blame, he deserves all the good the world can offer and it's only fair he keeps shining; but Minhyuk, still failing to put the pieces of his existence back together, can't help it, resentment eating him alive. He hates himself for it. Myungjun would do so much better without him, without having to carry his burdens.

"I am not forcing you to stay"

"What do you mean?"

"I- I would understand if you-"

Myungjun retreats, bewildered. "Are you breaking up with me?

"It's just- it's so painful and it's tearing us apart and-" he rambles, words slipping out before he can give them sense. "I'm trying but it's- you don't need any of this-"

"Calm down for a second and listen to me, okay?", Myungjun cups his cheeks, stroking them lightly. "Breathe, and then we'll try to solve it"

Minhyuk nods frantically, wondering how Myungjun can be so collected even when he should just lose his mind at his umpteenth fit over stupid complexes and fears.

"Is that really what you want?"

"What?"

"Leaving. A pause. Whatever you'd like to call it"

It's the last thing Minhyuk is hoping for, he can't go on without him by his side. But maybe Myungjun would. How has he not realized it earlier? It's so clear, so obvious. He feels like fainting.

"You can't do this anymore", he whispers. "And you are right, you should-"

"Damn, Minhyuk, it's because I love you! I love you so much that it kills me, but if that's the only way for you to feel good again, then be it!", Myungjun breaks down, too. "But I would rather stay with you and do my best to help, as useless as it may be"

Fireworks go off in the distance, people's cheerful clapping reaching their ears. It's ironic to say the least, how two can have the worst time of their lives in the middle of such happiness. Minhyuk would almost laugh, if he wasn't too busy keeping what is left of his sanity in place.

"I know this whole situation has taken a toll on you -on both of us, actually"

"I don't -I just don't feel like myself anymore", Minhyuk admits. "It's tiring"

"You know, sometimes I did think to run away. I couldn't stand the frustration and seeing you like this"

"Why didn't you...?"

"Because of you, dummy", Myungjun smiles, tension dissipating now that they are letting all out. "We came too far to give up on you so easily"

Minhyuk mirrors his smile, and for the first time in a while, it feels genuine. "I'm sorry I took it out on you", he adds sincerely. "I never meant it"

"You can't be perfect all the time", Myungjun half-jokes. "But I really want us to get better so talk to me, alright?"

"Only if you do the same"

"Deal"

Relief spreads through Minhyuk's body and soul, his feet a little more steady on the ground. Maybe the night isn't so bad.

"You have no idea how much I love you"

"I love you too", Myungjun hugs him. "Don't ever doubt it"

"But hyung-"

"Yeah?"

"I was serious when I said I won't hold you back. If this ever feels too much-"

"I told you, I'm here to stay"

"Even if it takes me years?"

Myungjun nods, pressing a kiss to his lips -it tastes like promises. "All the time you need"